On not getting ''skinny sleep'' and telling the thigh gap to eff off

Last week a friend posted an article on facebook and I read the entire thing feeling like someone had read my mind. There are certain things that really do get my undies in a bunch, and one of them is the general idea of beauty and expectations of women in our society.

I got pretty hot once attempting to explain why the idea of hair extensions, fake tanning and eyelash extensions bothered me so much--it's not so much that I think they are bad--I've had eyelash extensions, am no stranger to a spray tan and wish upon wish my hair would grow like Rapunzel, but, my point was more that when women can fake all these things, how can we ever compete as the women we are? The natural women we are. How can our beauty, our bodies be enough?

I work in the fitness industry and before that, in sports marketing. I'm in a place where I wear spandex to work every single day and am forced to be surrounded by full length mirrors all day. I detest this. I detest mirrors because if one is around, I will stare at myself in it--not because I am admiring myself, nope, for the exact opposite reason--I stare to find my flaws. To catch a glimpse of my crows feet, and my not as skinny as I'd like stomach--and that, that is a terrible use of my time and energy.

But, I can't stop. I can't stop because I've done it for so long, I've hated the way I look, the way I'm shaped, the color of my eyes, my hair, my skin, my freckles, my ass, my tiny boobs, the birthmark on my belly, the mole on my forehead--I've hated all those things for as long as I can remember. And, unless my size 00 jeans are falling off, I've felt unhappy with the way I look.

I don't tell you this for praise, or compliments, no, no, I tell you this because there are 10 million of us out there and none of us are talking about it. There are 10 million Americans who suffer from eating disorders. Am I actively suffering now? No. But, I don't think it is something that every goes away, thus I count myself in those masses. I've suffered with eating disorders of varying severity for 14ish years, and is something I've only just recently shared with my boyfriend, the guy who couldn't understand why I called myself fat, and told him I wasn't pretty enough to date him--the guy who has treated me with nothing but respect and love from day one, and yet here I was, acting like a fool because of some stupid societal pressure that I feel like I'm not worthy of his love. Because, I am not skinny enough.

ARE YOU EFFING CRAZY, SP?! I know, I know, yet this, this is what eating disorders do to you. It's not just about food. It's a mental state--a terrible one at that--and it impacts every facet of your life.

Throughout most of my life I have been active, dance, running, riding, crew, etc, I've naturally stayed healthy and I come from genetics that aren't so bad, but, when I was in high school and all my friends were popular and had their hip bones poking out, and myself was the awkward, geeky kid who just wanted to read and dance and felt alone, the natural solution was that I wasn't skinny enough. I understand how crazy that sounds, but, I can tell you that's where it started. And it was made all the worse because do you know how many compliments you get when you lose weight?! Talk about an ego stroke. And aren't we preprogrammed to want to feel good? It's a dangerous cycle. And it was for me. I'm not proud of being thrilled because my cheerleading skirt was too big when it came in after measurements because I'd lost weight, I'm not proud that I once stood in the dressing room with the smallest size pants they sold falling off me and thinking that I'd finally made it, I'm not proud that I've refused to eat countless amazing meals or that I obsessively counted calories and worked out for hours, losing precious time with friends and family. I'm not proud of it, but, it happened and I can only try to go up from here.

Even though I fall down all the damn time.

And this is where I struggle with the beauty industry, with the ''skinny sleep'' and ''thigh gap'', because those expectations, be it Rapunzel hair, caramel skin, Victoria's Secret model boobs, or that god awful thigh gap are unattainable for most women, and drive us insane trying to achieve them. Me, I am petite, built like a dancer and have zero boobs--never have, never will. Even at my skinniest (freshman year of college, living off 400 calories a day) my thighs never had a gap, and they never will. I am fair skinned with freckles and will never, ever be an olive skinned bronzed beauty. So why do I care? Because that is what we are fed to believe is beautiful. And I hate that. I hate what we allow ourselves to start believing, and I hate what I see happening with young girls today and their efforts to be perfect.

When will it stop?

I struggle everyday to not fall back into the trap, I try to love the body I'm in and take care of myself. Yes, I work hard to stay fit and I hope that my clients see me as someone healthy and strong who wants them to feel that way too. There are days when I don't eat, and there are days when I run myself into the ground to burn off the calories I just ate. There are days when I say screw it and eat myself silly. It's a process. One I struggle with daily. It's an exhausting addiction, that's for sure.

I don't have the answers here, I'm not saying I do. I'm just saying, if you're struggling, you aren't alone. And that as a society, I hope we can come together to support the idea of real beauty and stop beating ourselves up because we don't have a goddamn thigh gap (if you do, more power to you, I just hope you have it because that is how you are built, not because you have starved yourself into it). I hope we can learn to be happy with what we have and be grateful for all the wonderful things we have and can do rather than being focused on the have nots. Because the have nots, aren't worth it. But our happiness is worth everything.