Letting go

It's about to get deep up in here y'all--been warned!

(also, I can't do this without credit to my bff Ren and "letitgoooooo". love you, girl)

I've discussed before how I am the classic over giver. I will sacrifice anything and everything if you ask me to. This is dangerous  on several levels 1) It's just dumb 2) It means I get my feelings hurt very easily when others I depend on do not behave in the same manner I do--and let's be honest, not many people behave that way, and that's good--they are normal! I am crazy. 

I'm also an over thinker, and over worrier and planner. Man, you should have seen me trying to sort everything out when I went to Spain last year. Holy jeezus. On the flipside, Molly and I had absolutely ZERO plans when we landed in London which was wonderful. 

One thing that is really dangerous for me is getting inside my mind--it's a scary place. Bad things happen there. This is why for the last year, I've had a major love/hate relationship with yoga. I love it because it makes my works my body and it challenges me. I hate it because it gives me time to think. Time to be still and quiet and alone. BAD BAD BAD. 

When I was dealing with some of the biggest challenges of my life earlier this summer, I would steal away to the studio where I'd have moments of hysterical tears and moments of brilliant clarity all in 90 minutes. It was, oftentimes, the most clear I've ever been and I knew exactly what I wanted and what I needed to do. Nevermind that off the mat I was paralyzed with fear, heartache and anxiety. 

I was worried teacher training would be much the same, but, it isn't. Turns out, when I give my practice over to someone else--my future students--when I focus on being the best instructor I can be, the best yogi I can be, my life shifts. I eat better (y'all, I only ate half a small fry the other day!). I look better  (I have a waist!). And I feel better. 

There are some super shitty things going on in my life right now, things that impact me deeply and personally, things that any other time would have brought me down to the depths of despair (and to be clear, they did, but, I made it out--so far). But now, with five hours (fml) of yoga practice a day, and several hours of philosophy and methodology, I am learning to stand on my own, and be proud of the person I am. To let go of expectations, to let go of the past, to let go of the fear and accept what is right now. Am I perfect? Heck no! Does that mean I don't deserve love and goodness? Heck no!

(jeezus I've become such a damn hippie, I'm actually embarrassed) 

My point is this: we all make mistakes, we all have a past, but we also all have a future. We cannot be paralyzed by fear, or self doubt (I'm the queen of this), or the actions of others. We are all amazing, wonderful, beautiful beings, and we owe it to ourselves, the Universe, to ice cream and Eddie Redmayne to live a big beautiful life. 

So, boys and girls, let's all make a vow to let go and keep livin--l-i-v-i-n. (you know you heard that in McConaughey's voice)

Now, who's with me?