Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

Dear Mom: Eight Years Later
It's been eight years since you left us. Eight long years. I never thought I could live eight days without you, but, it turns out, I can. I don't relish that fact. I wish I never had to learn that. But, that wasn't a choice I was given.

Anyways, we shouldn't dwell.

This year, I went through some hard stuff, Mom. Really hard. And you weren't here to talk about it, which sucks. Luckily, you left me in good hands with Lara--don't know what I'd do without her-- and I've an amazing mother in law, who, I'm certain you'd be best friends with, and there are some fantastic people in my life--people I know you'd adore.

I know you've your hand in so many aspects of my life.

From finding the perfect barn photo in Montana, to the clouds in Hyde Park, running into your best friend at Hearst Castle, to the amazing friends I know you've put in my life-- your presence is everywhere.

I've your feet. Your hands. Your smile. I'm a mini you. It's funny, I always knew I looked like you, but, now, I'm fairly certain we're twins. I'm ok with that.

Mom, you gave me a love of reading, of travel, of singing, of dancing in the kitchen,
of London-- especially London, of Les Mis, of Michael Crawford-- your Phantom, of horses, of Anne Shirley and introducing me to my true first love, Gilbert Blythe, of writing, of life. I owe so much of who I am to you.

I cried my bloody eyes out seeing Les Mis in London earlier this year. Your favorite play, in your favorite city. You know that you and I never went to London together? That sucks. But, I know you where there with me.

I actually picked up my phone to call you before I left-- that hasn't happened in a while. I know you were with me every step of the way. From seeing Alfie Boe as Jean Valjean, to Killian Donnelly as Raoul and Ramin Karimloo as the Phantom-- I know you were there. You were gushing over Michael Crawford and crying when we saw Sarah Brightman. You were enthralled with Buckingham Palace and enjoyed scones with me in Green Park.

When we took Bailey to see her first Broadway show this summer, I watched it through your eyes-- seeing a sweet girl entranced by the stage for the first time. That was so special for me.

I miss you every single day, and wish you were here every single day. I hope and pray that one day I will have a daughter and she and I will have the same relationship that you and I did.

(obviously, my love of hats is genetic)
You taught me there's nothing better than red lipstick and that a girl can never have too many pairs of black pumps. That being yourself is the most beautiful thing.

Mom, you left me with a fabulous legacy. I pray I can be half the friend, sister, daughter, mother, person you were. That you still are.

You were my rock. I'll never stop wishing you were somehow here again.

Your favorite Phantom song, with my favorite Christine.


Love you, Mumzie. Always.

xox
Your Ally Girl