We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming

Excuse me whilst I remove my Happy Go Lucky Glass Half Full Eating Thousands of Cinnamon Bears and Diet Coke Whilst Watching The Office usual shiny self tiara and regress into The Grinch (cue dum dum duummmm music please).

You see, every year for the last few, I have attempted to get into the Holiday Spirit. Totally doesn't work. I can't buy decorations, I can't do anything. Which usually is no problemo because we usually take off for home sweet beach in mid December. Not this year. This year, we are staying firmly planted in our house and making la familia come to us. Great idea in theory. Theory!

I lost mi madre five years ago this Christmas, which means, Christmas and I do not get along. I haven't quite sorted out if it is because I lost her three days before Christmas, or if literally all of my Christmas joys involved her and I can't do them (i.e., now I am le Grinch) because she's not here. Or both.

Last year was torture. Torture. Torture I tell you! Sitting in a courtroom day after day will cause you to shut down and want to rip out your newly highlighted hair. You will cry, you will storm around the house like an angry toddler and you will get out of decorating the Christmas tree (victory!). But, generally, will feel like Chinese water torture on a daily basis (this has nothing to do with lawyers, etc--this has to do with holy crap, being in court sucks in general. I love my lawyers, they're awesome. I also realize that saying 'my lawyers' sounds totally pretentious and rude. Apologies. They've been in my life for 4 years. We're tight like that).

As bad as last year was, I told myself that this year would be better. It would be fantastic. This was also when I thought I would have le bebe to share this Christmas with. Guess what? No le bebe. Just two dogs and a cat (who's butt is balding by the way--should I be concerned?). No bambinos for SP. And, we're in our own home. Our home. It feels so wrong to be hosting my family in my home without the all important Holiday Matriarch.

I thought I'd be OK. I don't know why I thought I could do this--hell, I get teary watching that Wal Mart commercial where they play Carol of the Bells (dude, I do. Not good).

Driving home last night our lovely theory was proved incorrect as I suddenly began balling my eyes out when O Holy Night came on the radio (note to self: stop listening to Christmas music!). Mi mama's favorite carol. And I nearly got in an accident because I was crying so hard. Yep, this Christmas will be interesting to say the least.

I better find myself some chocolate. Stat.

I now resume my tiara and go about Happy Go Lucky-ness. Who's watchin' The Office tonight? (me, me, me!).