Unprepared

(warning! warning! warning! possible honesty and emotional overshare. warning!)

So, as y'all know, it's birthday month (which, um, yeah, I haven't done crap to celebrate said birthday month other than my awesome half marathon--hmph, not cool), and soon enough, it will be marathon week (next week!) and then birthday week (um, the week after that). And then because I really am a child, birthday week shall extend into early December, 'cause that's when I can have my actual fun birthday dinner that will not take place at some shanty in Middle of Nowhere, Arizona. Just sayin'.

But, to this end, I'm feeling wildly unprepared for my upcoming birthday. And before I launch into my little schpeel here, let me clarify, that I am fully aware that I am young and have years ahead of me (hopefully)--fully aware. K. Thanks.

It's my 25th. On the 25th. Which, in and of itself is a big deal as far as I'm concerned.

However, I have fallen short on the list of things I wanted to do by my 25th. Yes, I've done a lot of things (changed legislation! bought a house! graduated college! started graduate classes!)--so, I'm not belittling that at all, but, I must admit that I was and still am completely unprepared for the emotions that would flood me as I reflect on my upcoming birthday.

2009 has been tough. We lost our sweet sheltie girl, Hanna. We lost dear family friends. I've battled a mystery illness which keeps me up most nights and has caused me to wage a never ending battle with my weight (considering I'd managed to lose 10 lbs from January-June--then August just ruined it all) which of course has led to depression--and well, we don't really need to go into that.... Yeah, 2009? Hard. We're fortunate enough that I have a job, but, my husband, who graduated top of his class, with honors, with awesome work experience, still does not. Thus, all the fun things we wanted to do to our home, we cannot, as we cannot afford them. We aren't any closer to having children than we were one year ago, which makes me sad, and I haven't made it to Italy yet. This is the real crime.

I look at so many of my friends who have gorgeous houses, graduate degrees, good jobs--and are my age, or just a smidge older and it can be hard. Who am I kidding, it is hard. There, I said it. And yes, it can be hard to be grateful for what I do have, because I know that really, it is a lot. I am a very blessed little lady. No denying that. And I am grateful.

Problem is, each year, I set goals (this problem also arises around December 31st), and I achieve none of them. Doesn't fail. No matter how simple (paint upstairs bath, anyone? How hard is that, really? I can promise you it won't be done by December 31st, 2009 as I said I would last year), I cannot accomplish them for whatever reason. Sure, things happen, money goes elsewhere, things pop up, life happens. Sure. But, why, oh why is it so hard for me to stick to things (like writing my book, for example)? I have no idea.

But, I do know this: I know that on Saturday, I completed yet another 20(.3) mile run. I ran my little heart out for 20 miles (well, the first 6 sucked, but, I found an Oreo at our water stop and I kid you not, it was like angels sang down from heaven and everything after that totally kicked butt. Note to self, have husband post up at mile 6 and 20 with Oreos). I finished strong, with my last mile being my fastest (was I just dying to be finished? I'll never know for sure). I felt freaking awesome (I can walk today!).

I know that God blessed with me with a body that can run 20 miles. And that will run 26.2 miles in less than two weeks (gulp). I know that one year ago, the thought of running 6 miles made me want to crawl under a rock. I know that I've gained some weight, my butt is freaking huge, my legs are chubby and my love handles are out of control, but, I can run 20 miles. I don't really know what all this means, but, I'm really trying to make myself feel better since I was told by a certain work colleague that I'd love marathon training because I'd be in the best shape of my life. I beg to differ, because I looked way better in May, but, whatevs (slightly bitter, what can I say, at least I'm honest).

I know that for once, I will have completed a goal. A milestone. A finish.

It's not what I set out to do on my 24th birthday, or even on December 31, 2008, but, it's what I set out to do and I'm doing it.

I don't think I've ever been so giddily excited over anything. Seriously. This is right up there with my wedding day (which was really a blur, and I'd like to watch the video of it sometime because I remember exactly .5% of the entire day).

I can't believe that almost another year has gone by. I can't believe that I haven't achieved nearly anything that I wanted to by this time, nor can I believe that in 13 days, I will run a marathon. I can't believe that I have completed two half marathons, two 15ks, and two 10k races this year. Never in a million years.

Sometimes things don't work out.

But, sometimes they do.

Sometimes, you find yourself in the most unexpected places.

Like in a pair of hot pink running shoes (which are sadly going to be laid to rest on November 23rd, 2009 as they have served their purpose--and considering I recently lost one of two remaining toenails, am pretty sure I should have retired them in October--oh well).

You just never know.