Which is sad considering our 4.5 year age difference and the fact that he alternates between acting like a 12 year old or an 80 year old. If we go with the 12 year old option, he'll obviously need to date a toddler. However, if we got with 80, then I'm pretty much walking the tightrope of The Girls Next Door territory. Yikes! Neither of these are ideal.
So, in between not being able to move thanks to my personal training session the other day ("easy" my ass! I can't open doors people, can't open doors!) and the fact that my face decided to act out in response to my skincare SOS, I now have no less than 5 zits that hurt like all get out, I'm pretty much falling apart.
Am going to die.
And, naturally, because the Universe has a sense of humor, I'm only just GAINING weight and am dreading the thought of going out for an anniversary dinner with my husband this weekend because I look like the damn Michelin Man, and that is only cute on babies. Not on 25 year olds who want to be able to look back at their photos and not cringe (so far, hasn't happened in a good 8 months). This is ridiculous.
Plus, nothing I own fits me, so, it is entirely possible that I will have to go to dinner in my pajamas. Which would be comfy, but, I don't think many restaurants would let me in the door in my jammies and slippers.
On the upside, I have more hellish El Scorcho training this week. Hopefully, it will go better than last week! Fingers crossed kids, fingers crossed!
(sorry, I just realized that it came across pretty whiney--not my intention! Just a rant. We could all use a rant now and then, yes? Plus, the bonus of having no clothes that fit is that I go shopping at Pier 1, so, my house has never looked better!)
Showing posts with label losing the chub. Show all posts
Showing posts with label losing the chub. Show all posts
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
A week of firsts
When I started this new job, I got a lot of stuff thrown my way. A lot of big grown up things that I hadn't even thought about at my old job. It was scary, but, empowering at the same time. Because after all, I'm a grown up, I should have big scary grown up responsibilities.
And then came the biggie: the website redesign and launch. Now, I wasn't messing around with HTML or anything like that, no no, I had to gather all the content from way too many people, make it look pretty and then edit it 50,000 times. And then edit it again. Oh, and then, just to be safe, one more time. And then send it to people for their edits. And then make those. And then work all weekend because even though everything was due Thursday, it was Saturday afternoon and still getting changes.
ANYWAYS. It launched today. With only one typo found thus far. Sadly, there was no pomp and circumstance, no big email, no party, no parade, just the anticlimactic words I uttered when I turned on my computer this morning: "We're live". And no one seemed too excited. Me? I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. But, whatever.
This was something I've never done. I've never been in charge of the timeline, the content, etc of anything like this. I got to lay the hammer down, tell people 'no' and make it something we're all proud of. That's a big deal.
And I'm really tired.
Another first?
I ran a 20k on Monday. I've never run a 20k before. I always felt like it was the redheaded stepchild of the half marathon. I mean, at that point, let's just run a little longer and do the damn 13.1, k? But, I really wanted to run a Memorial Day race and since I've lost my running mojo, a 20k seemed to fit the bill. After all, if I can run 10 on Saturday, I can obviously pull through a 20k, yes? Yes.
It was hot as hell, hilly and HARD. I won't lie. I got heat exhaustion as I'm prone to do (and yet I'm so in love with Texas and the South I can't imagine moving anywhere else but it is so damn hot), I felt discouraged at times, I wanted shade like you wouldn't believe--but, I kept going.
I told myself that I would be proud of myself no matter what because hey, automatic PR, but that I wasn't going to rag on myself if I didn't do great because hey, I haven't been on my A Game lately, so, racing is something to be proud of.
And ya know what? It worked. I wasn't thrilled with my time, but, all things considered, I rocked. I finished strong, passed a few people at the end and actually got an award! Fifth in my age group (I admit part of the draw to this race was that they go 5 deep for age group awards--I had hope I could place--y'all know my love of races in which I get bling). If I'd been on my A Game, I totally could have gotten 3rd or 4th, but, I wasn't upset about it. I was thrilled.
This is a big freaking deal for me. I'm such a mature adult (apparently).
I spent the rest of the day lounging in the pool, working, BBQing and watching movies with my family.
It's been a crazy few days (who am I kidding? Weeks! Months!)
But, I couldn't be happier. I did two huge new things. And succeeded.
Now, I'm on the hunt for a "I survived our website launch and now must buy myself something pretty" present.
I told the fam last week (after getting no less than 45 emails in a 24 hour WEEKEND period) that if we launched that bad boy on time, I was buying a present. Since this website is my baby, consider a faux push present if you will (not meant to offend any mamas out there--believe me, I understand this is nothing compared to an actual baby! But for my life right now, it's a pretty big deal).
Ideas??
Also, pictures!
Me and my biggest supporter after the race. He's got on an awesome shirt, huh, Sam?
Why yes I would like to stand next to the pretty flowers and show off my bling. See the tummy and the arms?? (ick) This is why I'm spending my life savings on a personal trainer!
And then came the biggie: the website redesign and launch. Now, I wasn't messing around with HTML or anything like that, no no, I had to gather all the content from way too many people, make it look pretty and then edit it 50,000 times. And then edit it again. Oh, and then, just to be safe, one more time. And then send it to people for their edits. And then make those. And then work all weekend because even though everything was due Thursday, it was Saturday afternoon and still getting changes.
ANYWAYS. It launched today. With only one typo found thus far. Sadly, there was no pomp and circumstance, no big email, no party, no parade, just the anticlimactic words I uttered when I turned on my computer this morning: "We're live". And no one seemed too excited. Me? I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. But, whatever.
This was something I've never done. I've never been in charge of the timeline, the content, etc of anything like this. I got to lay the hammer down, tell people 'no' and make it something we're all proud of. That's a big deal.
And I'm really tired.
Another first?
I ran a 20k on Monday. I've never run a 20k before. I always felt like it was the redheaded stepchild of the half marathon. I mean, at that point, let's just run a little longer and do the damn 13.1, k? But, I really wanted to run a Memorial Day race and since I've lost my running mojo, a 20k seemed to fit the bill. After all, if I can run 10 on Saturday, I can obviously pull through a 20k, yes? Yes.
It was hot as hell, hilly and HARD. I won't lie. I got heat exhaustion as I'm prone to do (and yet I'm so in love with Texas and the South I can't imagine moving anywhere else but it is so damn hot), I felt discouraged at times, I wanted shade like you wouldn't believe--but, I kept going.
I told myself that I would be proud of myself no matter what because hey, automatic PR, but that I wasn't going to rag on myself if I didn't do great because hey, I haven't been on my A Game lately, so, racing is something to be proud of.
And ya know what? It worked. I wasn't thrilled with my time, but, all things considered, I rocked. I finished strong, passed a few people at the end and actually got an award! Fifth in my age group (I admit part of the draw to this race was that they go 5 deep for age group awards--I had hope I could place--y'all know my love of races in which I get bling). If I'd been on my A Game, I totally could have gotten 3rd or 4th, but, I wasn't upset about it. I was thrilled.
This is a big freaking deal for me. I'm such a mature adult (apparently).
I spent the rest of the day lounging in the pool, working, BBQing and watching movies with my family.
It's been a crazy few days (who am I kidding? Weeks! Months!)
But, I couldn't be happier. I did two huge new things. And succeeded.
Now, I'm on the hunt for a "I survived our website launch and now must buy myself something pretty" present.
I told the fam last week (after getting no less than 45 emails in a 24 hour WEEKEND period) that if we launched that bad boy on time, I was buying a present. Since this website is my baby, consider a faux push present if you will (not meant to offend any mamas out there--believe me, I understand this is nothing compared to an actual baby! But for my life right now, it's a pretty big deal).
Ideas??
Also, pictures!
Me and my biggest supporter after the race. He's got on an awesome shirt, huh, Sam?
Why yes I would like to stand next to the pretty flowers and show off my bling. See the tummy and the arms?? (ick) This is why I'm spending my life savings on a personal trainer!
Happy Wednesday! (yay!) (I love 3 day weekends, we need more of them!)
Friday, May 28, 2010
"You aren't as skinny as you think you are"
Ahh, comforting words I said to myself last weekend as I donned a bathing suit and set up camp next to the pool. Thank heaven's we weren't having friends over or anything, I wouldn't want to scar them for life.
It hit me like a freight train--I'm just not "in shape" anymore and it blows. Sure, I can run forever, but, ask me to flex an arm muscle, and there won't be anything. This is stupid.
I've got a wedding to go to in August and believe you me, I want to look freaking awesome. Because I used to be referred to as "the little one"--not so much anymore, and I want my title back! And, these pictures are going to live on the mantel and walls of my in laws home forever, and if I've got to stare at them, I better look good.
So, what did I do?
I signed up for 6 months with a personal trainer. Once a week. For six months. And my bank account just had a heart attack.
A bit self indulgent? Maybe. Will it be worth it? Heck yes.
Now, I realize that three months would have sufficed just fine, but, I figured it's cheaper per month for the loner time period, and this will get me right up until the holidays and my birthday--which we all know my ultimate goal is to look good on my birthday--something that has yet to happen.
I've only ever had a trainer once and it was for the month before my wedding. It's definitely an expense I wasn't expecting, but, I think it's clear that I can't lose the chub on my own. If it helps me feel better about myself, then, I'm all for the $$ spent. This just means that my dining out, clothing and makeup budget must shrink. Like my booty.
Let's hope someone can whip me into shape!
Have you ever had a personal trainer? Was it beneficial?
It hit me like a freight train--I'm just not "in shape" anymore and it blows. Sure, I can run forever, but, ask me to flex an arm muscle, and there won't be anything. This is stupid.
I've got a wedding to go to in August and believe you me, I want to look freaking awesome. Because I used to be referred to as "the little one"--not so much anymore, and I want my title back! And, these pictures are going to live on the mantel and walls of my in laws home forever, and if I've got to stare at them, I better look good.
So, what did I do?
I signed up for 6 months with a personal trainer. Once a week. For six months. And my bank account just had a heart attack.
A bit self indulgent? Maybe. Will it be worth it? Heck yes.
Now, I realize that three months would have sufficed just fine, but, I figured it's cheaper per month for the loner time period, and this will get me right up until the holidays and my birthday--which we all know my ultimate goal is to look good on my birthday--something that has yet to happen.
I've only ever had a trainer once and it was for the month before my wedding. It's definitely an expense I wasn't expecting, but, I think it's clear that I can't lose the chub on my own. If it helps me feel better about myself, then, I'm all for the $$ spent. This just means that my dining out, clothing and makeup budget must shrink. Like my booty.
Let's hope someone can whip me into shape!
Have you ever had a personal trainer? Was it beneficial?
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Random stuff (and a rant on Twilight)
I'm totally sucked of creative juices today (and, well, everyday lately, to tell you the truth) so, y'all are just going to get a mish mash of stuff and like it (I might have said that last night while serving dinner. What? Beans, zucchini and tomato sauce doesn't sound appealing? That's all we had. Deal....It actually was quite tasty, thanks to my heavy hand with garlic, pepper and cheese....cheese makes it all better).
1. I have a new obsession with the name Ellie Kate because it would be the perfect name for my future daughter to honor my two grandmothers. Of course, I already know an Ellie Kate, my dog's name is Ella, and my name sounds an awful lot like 'Ellie'. Oh, and, I'm like 50 billion lightyears away from being pregnant. But, whatevs. Is it just a generally female thing to be obsessed with the names of our future offspring?
2. I want to own really fancy pieces of jewelry from David Yurman and such, but then I can't bring myself to spend the money. And then I realize at the end of the day I really like unique and vintage type jewelry. Because at the end of the day, I'm kind of a little hippy.
3. In elementary school, I went to a total hippy school. We couldn't have food with sugar in our packed lunches, no soda (except Hansen's!) and we had our own garden and compost pile. I have vivid memories of not wearing shoes in the spring months and we often swam in a creek during "recess". I am not joking. It was freaking awesome. (you should know that my parents? Not flower children at all. Which is why this is so hilarious) (my dad would smuggle me Red Vines and contraband on occasion. Also? The kids loved when he would drive on field trips. That's right, no school buses either)
4. My grandmother's engagement/wedding ring was a moonstone ring. Because of that, it has become kind of like our family stone (moonstone and larimar. Can you tell we're beach people?). I seriously want a moonstone ring. But, whenever I Google or even look on Etsy for 'moonstone ring' I get 50 million results for "Bella's Moonstone Ring" "Twilight Inspired Jewelry" "Twilight Ring". And then I want to smack some people because I'll look like some teeny bopper TwiHard with my stupid moonstone ring. My grandmother had it first!! I.hate.Twighlight.
5. I bought hot pink nail polish today (since I'm too cheap and lazy to pay for a manicure). I'll be rockin' some summertime hued nails tomorrow. Sweet. (if only I could paint my little toesies!)
6. I spent a good 45 minutes (unsuccessfully) looking for some pictures last night, and as I stomped all over our house, Ella Mae was dutifully following me around. I imagine it was something like this "What is you looking for mom? Iz help you find it. Here. Let me sniff.". She is a hound dog after all. It was the cutest thing. Butch just stared at us angrily. He's a grumpy old man. If my life was The Fox and The Hound, Ella would obviously be Copper and Butch would be Chief.
7. Fully aware that my pets are not actually real human children. Doesn't mean I don't treat them like they are.
8. I'm so freaking excited about my new firepit. I've wanted one since we moved into our house two years ago. We also finally have up some fun twinkle-y lights on our patio. I fully intend to park myself on the patio with a bag of marshmallows this weekend. S'mores! (ha, it's like camping, Jenny!)
9. When I was 18, I was super duper rebellious. Not in the "I stayed out past curfew and got pulled over" type thing. Nope, I was always home when I said I'd be (or over at Cara or Allison's house), always at work or school on time. I was a very well behaved rebel. If that makes sense. To that end, the day I turned 18 I got a tattoo. Because what says 'adult' better than permanent ink? To compound that, 6 months later, I got another (and it's a whole mess bigger than I wanted it to be!). My dad finding out was not fun. Years later, yeah, I have regrets, but I don't want to go through the money or time to have them removed. After all, if two tattoos that are covered 99.9999999999% of the time is the worst I did as a teenager, I'd say it's all OK.
10. I'm totally making pina colada pancakes this weekend. I've made peace with the fact that I will never again be skinny (that's a total lie, I haven't made peace at all. I just really like pina colada pancakes) (am considering burning off all my taste buds so I don't taste anything and thus won't want to eat. Am doing this after the pancakes. Also? I think this would be a genius way to lose weight. Why has no one thought of this? I don't want to eat if I can't taste!).
11. I wish I was a superhero because then I could fly and or telaport. I'd totally teleport to a beach right now. I thought it was Friday. It is not. I am not thrilled.
12. At least Bones, Community and The Office are on tonight. The only way Thursday is liveable. (until June 3rd of course--Burn Notice!!!)
13. I'm so over working. Why I am not a lady of leisure I will never know. I love my job and all (no, really, I do!), but, man, do you realize how clean my house would be if I could at least work from home? I might actually have time for a real manicure! Or a haircut from somewhere other than SuperCuts. Oh the joy.....
14. My soul sister is heading to Lake Tahoe next week for our family's annual trip. I'm not going (I'm also technically not part of their family for real, but, they've accepted me as their own. Which is good. Since Paula Deen hasn't adopted me yet and Meryl Streep isn't returning my calls). I looooove Lake Tahoe. Mainly? I love staying up way too late watching movies with the girls. Although this year I'm pretty sure my nieces would be staying up late with us since they're freaking high schoolers now--and I just can't accept that. (they're 7 and 9. I don't care what they say)
15. I need a tan. I usually get tan by running. Since we're training at night, my 2-3 hours of sun every Saturday is gone. I despise laying out (too hot). I'm slightly bummed about this. I am not bummed about sleeping in on Saturdays. (is it really sleeping in if you don't get to bed until 5AM? Because I see a lot of that in my future).
That's all I've got for today, folks! If you stuck around, you deserve a prize. Sadly, I don't have any. But, this is my sprinkling good juju and fairy sparkles your way ::happy thoughts::
Happy Thursday y'all! Let's make it to the weekend!
1. I have a new obsession with the name Ellie Kate because it would be the perfect name for my future daughter to honor my two grandmothers. Of course, I already know an Ellie Kate, my dog's name is Ella, and my name sounds an awful lot like 'Ellie'. Oh, and, I'm like 50 billion lightyears away from being pregnant. But, whatevs. Is it just a generally female thing to be obsessed with the names of our future offspring?
2. I want to own really fancy pieces of jewelry from David Yurman and such, but then I can't bring myself to spend the money. And then I realize at the end of the day I really like unique and vintage type jewelry. Because at the end of the day, I'm kind of a little hippy.
3. In elementary school, I went to a total hippy school. We couldn't have food with sugar in our packed lunches, no soda (except Hansen's!) and we had our own garden and compost pile. I have vivid memories of not wearing shoes in the spring months and we often swam in a creek during "recess". I am not joking. It was freaking awesome. (you should know that my parents? Not flower children at all. Which is why this is so hilarious) (my dad would smuggle me Red Vines and contraband on occasion. Also? The kids loved when he would drive on field trips. That's right, no school buses either)
4. My grandmother's engagement/wedding ring was a moonstone ring. Because of that, it has become kind of like our family stone (moonstone and larimar. Can you tell we're beach people?). I seriously want a moonstone ring. But, whenever I Google or even look on Etsy for 'moonstone ring' I get 50 million results for "Bella's Moonstone Ring" "Twilight Inspired Jewelry" "Twilight Ring". And then I want to smack some people because I'll look like some teeny bopper TwiHard with my stupid moonstone ring. My grandmother had it first!! I.hate.Twighlight.
5. I bought hot pink nail polish today (since I'm too cheap and lazy to pay for a manicure). I'll be rockin' some summertime hued nails tomorrow. Sweet. (if only I could paint my little toesies!)
6. I spent a good 45 minutes (unsuccessfully) looking for some pictures last night, and as I stomped all over our house, Ella Mae was dutifully following me around. I imagine it was something like this "What is you looking for mom? Iz help you find it. Here. Let me sniff.". She is a hound dog after all. It was the cutest thing. Butch just stared at us angrily. He's a grumpy old man. If my life was The Fox and The Hound, Ella would obviously be Copper and Butch would be Chief.
7. Fully aware that my pets are not actually real human children. Doesn't mean I don't treat them like they are.
8. I'm so freaking excited about my new firepit. I've wanted one since we moved into our house two years ago. We also finally have up some fun twinkle-y lights on our patio. I fully intend to park myself on the patio with a bag of marshmallows this weekend. S'mores! (ha, it's like camping, Jenny!)
9. When I was 18, I was super duper rebellious. Not in the "I stayed out past curfew and got pulled over" type thing. Nope, I was always home when I said I'd be (or over at Cara or Allison's house), always at work or school on time. I was a very well behaved rebel. If that makes sense. To that end, the day I turned 18 I got a tattoo. Because what says 'adult' better than permanent ink? To compound that, 6 months later, I got another (and it's a whole mess bigger than I wanted it to be!). My dad finding out was not fun. Years later, yeah, I have regrets, but I don't want to go through the money or time to have them removed. After all, if two tattoos that are covered 99.9999999999% of the time is the worst I did as a teenager, I'd say it's all OK.
10. I'm totally making pina colada pancakes this weekend. I've made peace with the fact that I will never again be skinny (that's a total lie, I haven't made peace at all. I just really like pina colada pancakes) (am considering burning off all my taste buds so I don't taste anything and thus won't want to eat. Am doing this after the pancakes. Also? I think this would be a genius way to lose weight. Why has no one thought of this? I don't want to eat if I can't taste!).
11. I wish I was a superhero because then I could fly and or telaport. I'd totally teleport to a beach right now. I thought it was Friday. It is not. I am not thrilled.
12. At least Bones, Community and The Office are on tonight. The only way Thursday is liveable. (until June 3rd of course--Burn Notice!!!)
13. I'm so over working. Why I am not a lady of leisure I will never know. I love my job and all (no, really, I do!), but, man, do you realize how clean my house would be if I could at least work from home? I might actually have time for a real manicure! Or a haircut from somewhere other than SuperCuts. Oh the joy.....
14. My soul sister is heading to Lake Tahoe next week for our family's annual trip. I'm not going (I'm also technically not part of their family for real, but, they've accepted me as their own. Which is good. Since Paula Deen hasn't adopted me yet and Meryl Streep isn't returning my calls). I looooove Lake Tahoe. Mainly? I love staying up way too late watching movies with the girls. Although this year I'm pretty sure my nieces would be staying up late with us since they're freaking high schoolers now--and I just can't accept that. (they're 7 and 9. I don't care what they say)
15. I need a tan. I usually get tan by running. Since we're training at night, my 2-3 hours of sun every Saturday is gone. I despise laying out (too hot). I'm slightly bummed about this. I am not bummed about sleeping in on Saturdays. (is it really sleeping in if you don't get to bed until 5AM? Because I see a lot of that in my future).
That's all I've got for today, folks! If you stuck around, you deserve a prize. Sadly, I don't have any. But, this is my sprinkling good juju and fairy sparkles your way ::happy thoughts::
Happy Thursday y'all! Let's make it to the weekend!
Monday, May 3, 2010
To Tell The Truth
Sorry y'all, but this peppy redhead has been missing the pep in her step lately and feels like gettin' it all off her chest might just help. You'll hang with her through this, right? (promise to be back to my ol' dumbass self--soon)
Y'all are my ever trusted and most favorite interweb friends, so, I can be honest with you. Truth be told, I haven't been totally honest. I mean, I have, it's not like I was tellin' lies, but, I'm sure at the same time, I haven't just laid it all out there. So, here goes.
I'm depressed.
Yep. There. I said it.
I've battled depression since I was a teenager. Sadly, this directly coincides with body image issues. Had those since I was a teenager as well. Ironically enough, pre High School, I felt great about myself and was an kick ass gymnast and later won regional championships for vaulting. Oh how I miss horses..... Anyways, I was strong, powerful and could do something very few people could do. After all, can you stand on one leg atop a moving horse? Didn't think so.
Anyways, HS tore me up and then when I got to college, it got worse. I went to one of the most beautiful schools where every single girl (it seemed) was a size 00, tall, blonde and gorgeous. I am 5ft, not a size 00 and not beach blonde. I hated myself.
Sure, I was co-captain of our crew team and we did great (won our first race--whoot!), and could lift weights with the boys (yes, we had our weight workouts with the football players--hilarious memories to this day). But I was miserable. I wasn't your standard waif like coxswain. Nope. I always teetered on the line of "needs to lose weight". That sucked.
My roommates could eat pizza all night and not gain a single ounce. If I looked at a piece of pizza, I'd go up a size.
After my mom died, I went through a very dangerous phase of well, not eating anything. My sister had to be flown out to Texas and force feed me. Literally. I remember being in tears at the mall because she bought me a cookie and I refused to eat it. I had lost 15 pounds in 3 months. I felt fantastic (even if I was so tired I could barely stay awake past 8PM). I was in control. I was a size 00 for the first time since 8th grade. I looked good in a two piece.
I moved home for the summer and kept it up, only gaining about 2-3 pounds back. After all, I worked hard to look like this and I was not going to give it up.
Well, eventually, I gave up and had gained back most of the weight by the time I got married a year later. But, I looked better--I was toned and happy. Happy! I had a blast running around Hawaii in a two piece and sporting short shorts.
Somewhere along the line, I lost that. I don't know why my happiness is tied to the way I look, but, it is.
Last year, I went on Weight Watchers and lost the weight--never getting back to my college days skinny, but, getting to a weight that was normal for my height and build and a weight where surprise, I could eat, but not be unhappy.
Last summer, things were good. I was skinny, I was training for a marathon, my husband was done with school and he was training for a Century Bike Ride. We were endurance athlete all stars.
Then, as the months ticked by, the weight crept up and the depression came back. I got sick. A lot. I was stressed. I was unhappy.
I still am.
My husband still doesn't have a job. He's been out of school for a year. It's been really hard on him. He wants to work. He wants to provide for us (I on the other hand am quite happy to be at home). But, he can't. This has not helped the depression.
Don't get me wrong, I love my job, I'm very fortunate, but, at the end of the day, I don't feel like this is what I'm totally meant to do forever.
So, right now, I'm stuck.
I'm stuck in a land where I'm 20 pounds heavier than I was last year. Stuck in a place where I work so that we can survive. Stuck in a place where I try to be strong for my family because at the end of the day--it's freaking hard to be unemployed. Stuck in a place where I just hold my breath and pray for the best. Pray that tomorrow there will be a job. Pray that tomorrow I can get up and run the weight off. Pray that tomorrow will be better than today.
And then I wait some more.
I've used running as my shield. My "only". The definition of who I am for hopes that I could run off the weight, run off the depression and if I could just crack my marathon time goal, everything would be OK. I'd be happy again and then I could solve everything.
Well, shocker, that didn't happen. Or work.
And I don't know what will.
Thank you for sticking with me through all this. And especially through this terribly horrible post that I've just written.
I'm so grateful to all my blog friends who never cease to amaze and inspire me. I'm so grateful for you friendships and hope you know that. So, thank you.
I just thought that by sharing the honest to goodness truth, someone might be able to related. Or maybe I'll just feel better.
We'll see.
(GlamNewlywed, I'll be at home watching Burn Notice on repeat if you'd like to join me--because Michael Weston makes it all better)
Y'all are my ever trusted and most favorite interweb friends, so, I can be honest with you. Truth be told, I haven't been totally honest. I mean, I have, it's not like I was tellin' lies, but, I'm sure at the same time, I haven't just laid it all out there. So, here goes.
I'm depressed.
Yep. There. I said it.
I've battled depression since I was a teenager. Sadly, this directly coincides with body image issues. Had those since I was a teenager as well. Ironically enough, pre High School, I felt great about myself and was an kick ass gymnast and later won regional championships for vaulting. Oh how I miss horses..... Anyways, I was strong, powerful and could do something very few people could do. After all, can you stand on one leg atop a moving horse? Didn't think so.
Anyways, HS tore me up and then when I got to college, it got worse. I went to one of the most beautiful schools where every single girl (it seemed) was a size 00, tall, blonde and gorgeous. I am 5ft, not a size 00 and not beach blonde. I hated myself.
Sure, I was co-captain of our crew team and we did great (won our first race--whoot!), and could lift weights with the boys (yes, we had our weight workouts with the football players--hilarious memories to this day). But I was miserable. I wasn't your standard waif like coxswain. Nope. I always teetered on the line of "needs to lose weight". That sucked.
My roommates could eat pizza all night and not gain a single ounce. If I looked at a piece of pizza, I'd go up a size.
After my mom died, I went through a very dangerous phase of well, not eating anything. My sister had to be flown out to Texas and force feed me. Literally. I remember being in tears at the mall because she bought me a cookie and I refused to eat it. I had lost 15 pounds in 3 months. I felt fantastic (even if I was so tired I could barely stay awake past 8PM). I was in control. I was a size 00 for the first time since 8th grade. I looked good in a two piece.
I moved home for the summer and kept it up, only gaining about 2-3 pounds back. After all, I worked hard to look like this and I was not going to give it up.
Well, eventually, I gave up and had gained back most of the weight by the time I got married a year later. But, I looked better--I was toned and happy. Happy! I had a blast running around Hawaii in a two piece and sporting short shorts.
Somewhere along the line, I lost that. I don't know why my happiness is tied to the way I look, but, it is.
Last year, I went on Weight Watchers and lost the weight--never getting back to my college days skinny, but, getting to a weight that was normal for my height and build and a weight where surprise, I could eat, but not be unhappy.
Last summer, things were good. I was skinny, I was training for a marathon, my husband was done with school and he was training for a Century Bike Ride. We were endurance athlete all stars.
Then, as the months ticked by, the weight crept up and the depression came back. I got sick. A lot. I was stressed. I was unhappy.
I still am.
My husband still doesn't have a job. He's been out of school for a year. It's been really hard on him. He wants to work. He wants to provide for us (I on the other hand am quite happy to be at home). But, he can't. This has not helped the depression.
Don't get me wrong, I love my job, I'm very fortunate, but, at the end of the day, I don't feel like this is what I'm totally meant to do forever.
So, right now, I'm stuck.
I'm stuck in a land where I'm 20 pounds heavier than I was last year. Stuck in a place where I work so that we can survive. Stuck in a place where I try to be strong for my family because at the end of the day--it's freaking hard to be unemployed. Stuck in a place where I just hold my breath and pray for the best. Pray that tomorrow there will be a job. Pray that tomorrow I can get up and run the weight off. Pray that tomorrow will be better than today.
And then I wait some more.
I've used running as my shield. My "only". The definition of who I am for hopes that I could run off the weight, run off the depression and if I could just crack my marathon time goal, everything would be OK. I'd be happy again and then I could solve everything.
Well, shocker, that didn't happen. Or work.
And I don't know what will.
Thank you for sticking with me through all this. And especially through this terribly horrible post that I've just written.
I'm so grateful to all my blog friends who never cease to amaze and inspire me. I'm so grateful for you friendships and hope you know that. So, thank you.
I just thought that by sharing the honest to goodness truth, someone might be able to related. Or maybe I'll just feel better.
We'll see.
(GlamNewlywed, I'll be at home watching Burn Notice on repeat if you'd like to join me--because Michael Weston makes it all better)
Friday, April 23, 2010
Enough is enough
Yes it's Friday afternoon and no one will read this until next week, and the race I'm about to blab about will be over, but, whatever, I'm stuck at work and want to be at home, so, a blog post you'll get!
So, the OKC Marathon is this weekend. My DRC pals are running it, Sam is running it, and a former co-worker of mine is running it. It's obviously the place to be (and I have some weird fascination with Oklahoma I guess).
I'm excited to be running a race with my DRC'ers since I've run exactly 0 with them ever, so, this is supah (read that like a Boston accent, k?) cool and exciting, but, I really don't feel like I'm running a marathon this weekend.
Remember how geeked out and nerdy I was about Tulsa? Maybe it's anticlimactic because I just spectated Boston?
Moving on.
I'm not psyched. It's actually going to be a royal pain to get there tomorrow night and I've been all debbie downer about it all freakin' week.
This has got to stop. Enough is enough!
I've run 3 marathons. All of them were awesome in their own right. This one will be too.
Was Tulsa hard? Yes! Was it my first? Yes! That makes it awesome.
Was Cowtown hard? Yes! Did I hit my goal? No! Did I run strong? Yes! That makes it awesome.
Was Catalina a full on ass whooping? Heck yes! Did I love every damn second of it? Yes! It was freakin' awesome.
Will OKC be hard? Yeppers. Will I want to stop? You betcha. Will I stop? Oh hell no. Will it be awesome? Heck yes.
I get so caught up in my emotions about races and get down on myself. Yes, this isn't optimal training in that the last few weeks have been crazy and my long runs haven't really existed, but, this is when you rely on your training, you rely on your body--it knows what it's doing. And hopefully, mine will know what it's doing enough to PR. If not, I'll be sad, but, I'm running for Operation Jack and that's what matters!
I'm gonna rock OKC. Heck yes I am.
Also? Next week, when I'm not training, I'm totally going on some sort of cleanse/detox/starvation diet. Y'all I gained waaaay too much weight with this crazy job switching stress, going to Boston nonsense. Y'all, it's baaaaad (I say that a lot, but, this time, it's really, really bad. I'm borderline needing new clothes!).
Any advice to keep my hands out of the cookie jar are most appreciated. I'm about .5 lbs from signing up for WW again. I just love food too much! I even considered going raw to lose the weight, but, helllloooo, I'd die.
Now, I'm off to carb load (irony, yes? Is this why I'm fat? And for someone my height, I really am!) and kick some 26.2 miles of asphalt baby!
So, the OKC Marathon is this weekend. My DRC pals are running it, Sam is running it, and a former co-worker of mine is running it. It's obviously the place to be (and I have some weird fascination with Oklahoma I guess).
I'm excited to be running a race with my DRC'ers since I've run exactly 0 with them ever, so, this is supah (read that like a Boston accent, k?) cool and exciting, but, I really don't feel like I'm running a marathon this weekend.
Remember how geeked out and nerdy I was about Tulsa? Maybe it's anticlimactic because I just spectated Boston?
Moving on.
I'm not psyched. It's actually going to be a royal pain to get there tomorrow night and I've been all debbie downer about it all freakin' week.
This has got to stop. Enough is enough!
I've run 3 marathons. All of them were awesome in their own right. This one will be too.
Was Tulsa hard? Yes! Was it my first? Yes! That makes it awesome.
Was Cowtown hard? Yes! Did I hit my goal? No! Did I run strong? Yes! That makes it awesome.
Was Catalina a full on ass whooping? Heck yes! Did I love every damn second of it? Yes! It was freakin' awesome.
Will OKC be hard? Yeppers. Will I want to stop? You betcha. Will I stop? Oh hell no. Will it be awesome? Heck yes.
I get so caught up in my emotions about races and get down on myself. Yes, this isn't optimal training in that the last few weeks have been crazy and my long runs haven't really existed, but, this is when you rely on your training, you rely on your body--it knows what it's doing. And hopefully, mine will know what it's doing enough to PR. If not, I'll be sad, but, I'm running for Operation Jack and that's what matters!
I'm gonna rock OKC. Heck yes I am.
Also? Next week, when I'm not training, I'm totally going on some sort of cleanse/detox/starvation diet. Y'all I gained waaaay too much weight with this crazy job switching stress, going to Boston nonsense. Y'all, it's baaaaad (I say that a lot, but, this time, it's really, really bad. I'm borderline needing new clothes!).
Any advice to keep my hands out of the cookie jar are most appreciated. I'm about .5 lbs from signing up for WW again. I just love food too much! I even considered going raw to lose the weight, but, helllloooo, I'd die.
Now, I'm off to carb load (irony, yes? Is this why I'm fat? And for someone my height, I really am!) and kick some 26.2 miles of asphalt baby!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
I ran 9.4 miles this morning
Just to prove how crazy I really am. (which, was there any doubt that I was loony?)
I also weighed myself. Big mistake.
Good thing I just signed up for a gym membership (first time I've paid for one in 6 years!) and have a free fitness consultation. Maybe my new "fitness consultant" can finally help me drop these damn 15 (yikes!!!!) pounds.
By June. Because I want to look pretty for our 5 year anniversary dinner (yep, no vacation for us this year. AGAIN. Bitter as hell).
Oh, and, I got in to work early. Early. How? How is that even possible? I'm still not sure.
(because it takes a long time for this slow poke to run 9.4 miles)
But, whatever. 9.4 miles!!! That's more than a 15k!
Heck.yes.
I also weighed myself. Big mistake.
Good thing I just signed up for a gym membership (first time I've paid for one in 6 years!) and have a free fitness consultation. Maybe my new "fitness consultant" can finally help me drop these damn 15 (yikes!!!!) pounds.
By June. Because I want to look pretty for our 5 year anniversary dinner (yep, no vacation for us this year. AGAIN. Bitter as hell).
Oh, and, I got in to work early. Early. How? How is that even possible? I'm still not sure.
(because it takes a long time for this slow poke to run 9.4 miles)
But, whatever. 9.4 miles!!! That's more than a 15k!
Heck.yes.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Dear excess poundage that refuses to leave,
You suck. I hate you. You're basically the anti Christ.
The irony of the situation? I'm running like a ca-razy person. Like, I'm kicking major asphalt (and treadmill belts) and slowly getting faster. Intervals, the works. As in everything that's supposed to make the pounds just melt away. (lies!)
And, I'm back to counting points (annoying as all get out) (and I'm usually up around 2AM starving in which I find myself with a half empty jar of peanut butter and am now noticing my almond butter stash is dwindling--nope, not sleep eating, I'm fully 100% awake) (also, when craving cookies, just make the cookies. Eating a box of crackers which equals like 500 points, is still not going to end the cookie craving--eat the damn cookie)
Obviously, I'm getting some bad juju for being all "I'm skinny!" last year and karma is biting me in the two sizes bigger than EVER butt. Thanks, karma for the reminder. You win. I'm not skinny.
So, extra tummy (and butt, thigh and upper arm) (gross, gross, gross) fat, take note. I'm totally onto you and your ways (box of whole wheat crackers anyone?) and it's coming to an end.
Come hell or high water, I will enjoy that damn In-N-Out burger in March after one hell of a marathon. And I will do it several (read: ten! ten!) pounds lighter.
Even if that means going to bed hungry every single night (and buying a safe for me to stash the peanut butter in and only letting my sis in law have the combo) (the chocolate can go in the safe as well) (crap).
Yes, bloggies, I realize we've been down this road before. But, I will be damned if it doesn't take this time.
I really want that burger.
(also, I'm so damn hungry right now that I could eat my arm. But won't, lest I be known as the girl who eats her own extremities)
The irony of the situation? I'm running like a ca-razy person. Like, I'm kicking major asphalt (and treadmill belts) and slowly getting faster. Intervals, the works. As in everything that's supposed to make the pounds just melt away. (lies!)
And, I'm back to counting points (annoying as all get out) (and I'm usually up around 2AM starving in which I find myself with a half empty jar of peanut butter and am now noticing my almond butter stash is dwindling--nope, not sleep eating, I'm fully 100% awake) (also, when craving cookies, just make the cookies. Eating a box of crackers which equals like 500 points, is still not going to end the cookie craving--eat the damn cookie)
Obviously, I'm getting some bad juju for being all "I'm skinny!" last year and karma is biting me in the two sizes bigger than EVER butt. Thanks, karma for the reminder. You win. I'm not skinny.
So, extra tummy (and butt, thigh and upper arm) (gross, gross, gross) fat, take note. I'm totally onto you and your ways (box of whole wheat crackers anyone?) and it's coming to an end.
Come hell or high water, I will enjoy that damn In-N-Out burger in March after one hell of a marathon. And I will do it several (read: ten! ten!) pounds lighter.
Even if that means going to bed hungry every single night (and buying a safe for me to stash the peanut butter in and only letting my sis in law have the combo) (the chocolate can go in the safe as well) (crap).
Yes, bloggies, I realize we've been down this road before. But, I will be damned if it doesn't take this time.
I really want that burger.
(also, I'm so damn hungry right now that I could eat my arm. But won't, lest I be known as the girl who eats her own extremities)
Monday, January 25, 2010
I'm officially one of those crazy people with the endorphins
True story my friends, true story.
Remember a few months back when I was all "woe is me and I want to die"? Yeah, that was a sucky time, not going to lie. Things in general sucked, so, obviously, my mood was foul. It didn't help matters that I was not running, like at all.
Fast forward to now, and I'm running pretty regularly (but could not pull myself out of bed today--we'll discuss later) and even though things are actually pretty much 50% worse than they were back in October, I'm not nearly as bitchy as I was.
Reason?
I've gotten my act together and been running almost every morning. Lord help me, but, really, when I don't run before work, I get all grumpy and whiney about going to work. If I run? Sure, I'm still a bit annoyed because, yeah, it's work, but, I'm not contemplating ramming my car into a telephone pole for a day off.
I didn't run this morning, like I said, so, naturally, I'm just a peach to deal with right now. This will be resolved at lunchtime--thank heavens.
Which leads me to believe that I have somehow mysteriously morphed into one of those crazy endorphins people who really do get a high from a good workout (read: run).
Never.in.a.million.years.
On that note, on Saturday, I managed to drag my scary weight (yes, I have one and yes, I'm there, shut up) ass out of bed early and managed to not only get in 16.5 kick ass miles, but, move up a pace group (this is huge for me--huge!). And my sweet husband came to pick me up since it was too far to run home (ran to the clubhouse, ran the loop, ran to the nearest parking lot).
Now, can someone just give my sweet husband a job? Preferably one that allows me to have children and be a semi stay at home mom? Puh-leeze! K, thanks.
Happy Monday y'all.
Remember a few months back when I was all "woe is me and I want to die"? Yeah, that was a sucky time, not going to lie. Things in general sucked, so, obviously, my mood was foul. It didn't help matters that I was not running, like at all.
Fast forward to now, and I'm running pretty regularly (but could not pull myself out of bed today--we'll discuss later) and even though things are actually pretty much 50% worse than they were back in October, I'm not nearly as bitchy as I was.
Reason?
I've gotten my act together and been running almost every morning. Lord help me, but, really, when I don't run before work, I get all grumpy and whiney about going to work. If I run? Sure, I'm still a bit annoyed because, yeah, it's work, but, I'm not contemplating ramming my car into a telephone pole for a day off.
I didn't run this morning, like I said, so, naturally, I'm just a peach to deal with right now. This will be resolved at lunchtime--thank heavens.
Which leads me to believe that I have somehow mysteriously morphed into one of those crazy endorphins people who really do get a high from a good workout (read: run).
Never.in.a.million.years.
On that note, on Saturday, I managed to drag my scary weight (yes, I have one and yes, I'm there, shut up) ass out of bed early and managed to not only get in 16.5 kick ass miles, but, move up a pace group (this is huge for me--huge!). And my sweet husband came to pick me up since it was too far to run home (ran to the clubhouse, ran the loop, ran to the nearest parking lot).
Now, can someone just give my sweet husband a job? Preferably one that allows me to have children and be a semi stay at home mom? Puh-leeze! K, thanks.
Happy Monday y'all.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Holiday Cheer
Houston, we have a problem.
A really, really big one.
Candy Cane Hersey's Kisses.
(gulp)
For someone who doesn't generally like Hersey's Kisses (what? I just don't--they don't taste like real chocolate and they're gone before you can really enjoy them and, and... I just, bleh. They don't do it for me) this is huge.
I accidentally picked some up (yeah, just like I accidentally ended up with chocolate Chex Mix) on Saturday in effort to put something festive in my Christmas candy bowl that had until Saturday, been sorely neglected. I wanted something minty (because in my mind, Christmas=candy canes) but, wasn't sure what I would find.
Low and behold, Candy Cane Hersey's Kisses. We're talking white chocolate, with little teeny bits of candy cane. Does it get better? No my friends, no it does not.
I only bought one bag (also, anyone else notice that candy companies are getting stingy on the amount of goodies in a bag?), and it's dwindling. Fast.
This is not good for my "diet" (and who are we kidding, I just keep getting fatter--I've got more chins now than I've ever had in my life--icccck!). Or my self esteem. Or that fact that I'm only supposed to eat "limited" amounts of sugar. Obviously, I'm blinded by the minty goodness.
But.Oh.So.Good.
Sigh....
Oh, and just because--so, SlimFast got recalled. Guess who has an entire trunk full of SlimFast? Yep, that's right. Of course.
If you buy something in my holiday bake sale that will be held on Thursday I might even send a Candy Cane Kiss along with your purchase.
Remember, I'm making homemade holiday treats for you and all proceeds will go to OperationJack. So, start hitting the gym now because I don't bake low fat. Your tastebuds will thank me.
Now, spread the word: Bake sale. Thursday. Be here.
So dear friends, what are your favorite holiday goodies?
A really, really big one.
Candy Cane Hersey's Kisses.
(gulp)
For someone who doesn't generally like Hersey's Kisses (what? I just don't--they don't taste like real chocolate and they're gone before you can really enjoy them and, and... I just, bleh. They don't do it for me) this is huge.
I accidentally picked some up (yeah, just like I accidentally ended up with chocolate Chex Mix) on Saturday in effort to put something festive in my Christmas candy bowl that had until Saturday, been sorely neglected. I wanted something minty (because in my mind, Christmas=candy canes) but, wasn't sure what I would find.
Low and behold, Candy Cane Hersey's Kisses. We're talking white chocolate, with little teeny bits of candy cane. Does it get better? No my friends, no it does not.
I only bought one bag (also, anyone else notice that candy companies are getting stingy on the amount of goodies in a bag?), and it's dwindling. Fast.
This is not good for my "diet" (and who are we kidding, I just keep getting fatter--I've got more chins now than I've ever had in my life--icccck!). Or my self esteem. Or that fact that I'm only supposed to eat "limited" amounts of sugar. Obviously, I'm blinded by the minty goodness.
But.Oh.So.Good.
Sigh....
Oh, and just because--so, SlimFast got recalled. Guess who has an entire trunk full of SlimFast? Yep, that's right. Of course.
If you buy something in my holiday bake sale that will be held on Thursday I might even send a Candy Cane Kiss along with your purchase.
Remember, I'm making homemade holiday treats for you and all proceeds will go to OperationJack. So, start hitting the gym now because I don't bake low fat. Your tastebuds will thank me.
Now, spread the word: Bake sale. Thursday. Be here.
So dear friends, what are your favorite holiday goodies?
Friday, November 13, 2009
Shoes, glorious shoes
(note: it's yummy Friday at my office. I may have baked pumpkin chocolate chip muffins. I also may have taste tested that batter until I'm pretty sure there were only 11 muffins in the tin versus the 12 the batter was supposed to make--maybe, I'm not sure. Yeah, goal weight by next week? That's funny.)
I was on the hunt for protein powder and epsom salts the other day, and where do you think I ended up? Well, at Target of course (y'all know I'm cheap, a literal tub of epsom salts is $3.88 at Target versus $5.99 at the grocery store--I tell myself this to justify the other crap I come home with from Target).
And I might have strayed from the food aisles and made my way to the shoes. Maybe.
Sidenote: sausage legs + sausage feet + end of day = hilarious imagery of me trying to cram my feetsies into shoes. Lesson learned.
So, I left with my tub o' epsom salts, protein powder, dry fit tee (because how many is too many?) and a plethora of ideas of shoes I will purchase for the holidays.
If I can shove my lil marathoned feet into actual shoes that is.
Way to go, Target for having cute and affordable shoes!
I leave for Tulsa in one week, kids, one week! I am actually dreaming about running (last night I dreamt I was on my high school's CC team--funny since our CC coach was also my track coach and hated me with a passion... and the feeling was semi mutual).
I'm probably going to take today off because my 7.17 hilly miles yesterday kind of aggravated my IT band (and by 'kind of' I mean that walking is a slight challenge) and well, I've got a 10 miler tomorrow and I want that last "long run" to really be kick ass. (plus I got about 3 hours of sleep and did not feel like waking up at 5)
I missed a day of running this week. There are worse things (also, how much of a grown up am I for even thinking this?).
And, the sausages have improved. My feet are still a touch puffy, but, not really that bad at all. Seriously the weirdest thing ever!
Happy Friday (the 13th)!
PS. Who else loved The Office last night? Hilarious (as always)!
I was on the hunt for protein powder and epsom salts the other day, and where do you think I ended up? Well, at Target of course (y'all know I'm cheap, a literal tub of epsom salts is $3.88 at Target versus $5.99 at the grocery store--I tell myself this to justify the other crap I come home with from Target).
And I might have strayed from the food aisles and made my way to the shoes. Maybe.
Sidenote: sausage legs + sausage feet + end of day = hilarious imagery of me trying to cram my feetsies into shoes. Lesson learned.
So, I left with my tub o' epsom salts, protein powder, dry fit tee (because how many is too many?) and a plethora of ideas of shoes I will purchase for the holidays.
If I can shove my lil marathoned feet into actual shoes that is.
Way to go, Target for having cute and affordable shoes!
I leave for Tulsa in one week, kids, one week! I am actually dreaming about running (last night I dreamt I was on my high school's CC team--funny since our CC coach was also my track coach and hated me with a passion... and the feeling was semi mutual).
I'm probably going to take today off because my 7.17 hilly miles yesterday kind of aggravated my IT band (and by 'kind of' I mean that walking is a slight challenge) and well, I've got a 10 miler tomorrow and I want that last "long run" to really be kick ass. (plus I got about 3 hours of sleep and did not feel like waking up at 5)
I missed a day of running this week. There are worse things (also, how much of a grown up am I for even thinking this?).
And, the sausages have improved. My feet are still a touch puffy, but, not really that bad at all. Seriously the weirdest thing ever!
Happy Friday (the 13th)!
PS. Who else loved The Office last night? Hilarious (as always)!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Unprepared
(warning! warning! warning! possible honesty and emotional overshare. warning!)
So, as y'all know, it's birthday month (which, um, yeah, I haven't done crap to celebrate said birthday month other than my awesome half marathon--hmph, not cool), and soon enough, it will be marathon week (next week!) and then birthday week (um, the week after that). And then because I really am a child, birthday week shall extend into early December, 'cause that's when I can have my actual fun birthday dinner that will not take place at some shanty in Middle of Nowhere, Arizona. Just sayin'.
But, to this end, I'm feeling wildly unprepared for my upcoming birthday. And before I launch into my little schpeel here, let me clarify, that I am fully aware that I am young and have years ahead of me (hopefully)--fully aware. K. Thanks.
It's my 25th. On the 25th. Which, in and of itself is a big deal as far as I'm concerned.
However, I have fallen short on the list of things I wanted to do by my 25th. Yes, I've done a lot of things (changed legislation! bought a house! graduated college! started graduate classes!)--so, I'm not belittling that at all, but, I must admit that I was and still am completely unprepared for the emotions that would flood me as I reflect on my upcoming birthday.
2009 has been tough. We lost our sweet sheltie girl, Hanna. We lost dear family friends. I've battled a mystery illness which keeps me up most nights and has caused me to wage a never ending battle with my weight (considering I'd managed to lose 10 lbs from January-June--then August just ruined it all) which of course has led to depression--and well, we don't really need to go into that.... Yeah, 2009? Hard. We're fortunate enough that I have a job, but, my husband, who graduated top of his class, with honors, with awesome work experience, still does not. Thus, all the fun things we wanted to do to our home, we cannot, as we cannot afford them. We aren't any closer to having children than we were one year ago, which makes me sad, and I haven't made it to Italy yet. This is the real crime.
I look at so many of my friends who have gorgeous houses, graduate degrees, good jobs--and are my age, or just a smidge older and it can be hard. Who am I kidding, it is hard. There, I said it. And yes, it can be hard to be grateful for what I do have, because I know that really, it is a lot. I am a very blessed little lady. No denying that. And I am grateful.
Problem is, each year, I set goals (this problem also arises around December 31st), and I achieve none of them. Doesn't fail. No matter how simple (paint upstairs bath, anyone? How hard is that, really? I can promise you it won't be done by December 31st, 2009 as I said I would last year), I cannot accomplish them for whatever reason. Sure, things happen, money goes elsewhere, things pop up, life happens. Sure. But, why, oh why is it so hard for me to stick to things (like writing my book, for example)? I have no idea.
But, I do know this: I know that on Saturday, I completed yet another 20(.3) mile run. I ran my little heart out for 20 miles (well, the first 6 sucked, but, I found an Oreo at our water stop and I kid you not, it was like angels sang down from heaven and everything after that totally kicked butt. Note to self, have husband post up at mile 6 and 20 with Oreos). I finished strong, with my last mile being my fastest (was I just dying to be finished? I'll never know for sure). I felt freaking awesome (I can walk today!).
I know that God blessed with me with a body that can run 20 miles. And that will run 26.2 miles in less than two weeks (gulp). I know that one year ago, the thought of running 6 miles made me want to crawl under a rock. I know that I've gained some weight, my butt is freaking huge, my legs are chubby and my love handles are out of control, but, I can run 20 miles. I don't really know what all this means, but, I'm really trying to make myself feel better since I was told by a certain work colleague that I'd love marathon training because I'd be in the best shape of my life. I beg to differ, because I looked way better in May, but, whatevs (slightly bitter, what can I say, at least I'm honest).
I know that for once, I will have completed a goal. A milestone. A finish.
It's not what I set out to do on my 24th birthday, or even on December 31, 2008, but, it's what I set out to do and I'm doing it.
I don't think I've ever been so giddily excited over anything. Seriously. This is right up there with my wedding day (which was really a blur, and I'd like to watch the video of it sometime because I remember exactly .5% of the entire day).
I can't believe that almost another year has gone by. I can't believe that I haven't achieved nearly anything that I wanted to by this time, nor can I believe that in 13 days, I will run a marathon. I can't believe that I have completed two half marathons, two 15ks, and two 10k races this year. Never in a million years.
Sometimes things don't work out.
But, sometimes they do.
Sometimes, you find yourself in the most unexpected places.
Like in a pair of hot pink running shoes (which are sadly going to be laid to rest on November 23rd, 2009 as they have served their purpose--and considering I recently lost one of two remaining toenails, am pretty sure I should have retired them in October--oh well).
You just never know.
So, as y'all know, it's birthday month (which, um, yeah, I haven't done crap to celebrate said birthday month other than my awesome half marathon--hmph, not cool), and soon enough, it will be marathon week (next week!) and then birthday week (um, the week after that). And then because I really am a child, birthday week shall extend into early December, 'cause that's when I can have my actual fun birthday dinner that will not take place at some shanty in Middle of Nowhere, Arizona. Just sayin'.
But, to this end, I'm feeling wildly unprepared for my upcoming birthday. And before I launch into my little schpeel here, let me clarify, that I am fully aware that I am young and have years ahead of me (hopefully)--fully aware. K. Thanks.
It's my 25th. On the 25th. Which, in and of itself is a big deal as far as I'm concerned.
However, I have fallen short on the list of things I wanted to do by my 25th. Yes, I've done a lot of things (changed legislation! bought a house! graduated college! started graduate classes!)--so, I'm not belittling that at all, but, I must admit that I was and still am completely unprepared for the emotions that would flood me as I reflect on my upcoming birthday.
2009 has been tough. We lost our sweet sheltie girl, Hanna. We lost dear family friends. I've battled a mystery illness which keeps me up most nights and has caused me to wage a never ending battle with my weight (considering I'd managed to lose 10 lbs from January-June--then August just ruined it all) which of course has led to depression--and well, we don't really need to go into that.... Yeah, 2009? Hard. We're fortunate enough that I have a job, but, my husband, who graduated top of his class, with honors, with awesome work experience, still does not. Thus, all the fun things we wanted to do to our home, we cannot, as we cannot afford them. We aren't any closer to having children than we were one year ago, which makes me sad, and I haven't made it to Italy yet. This is the real crime.
I look at so many of my friends who have gorgeous houses, graduate degrees, good jobs--and are my age, or just a smidge older and it can be hard. Who am I kidding, it is hard. There, I said it. And yes, it can be hard to be grateful for what I do have, because I know that really, it is a lot. I am a very blessed little lady. No denying that. And I am grateful.
Problem is, each year, I set goals (this problem also arises around December 31st), and I achieve none of them. Doesn't fail. No matter how simple (paint upstairs bath, anyone? How hard is that, really? I can promise you it won't be done by December 31st, 2009 as I said I would last year), I cannot accomplish them for whatever reason. Sure, things happen, money goes elsewhere, things pop up, life happens. Sure. But, why, oh why is it so hard for me to stick to things (like writing my book, for example)? I have no idea.
But, I do know this: I know that on Saturday, I completed yet another 20(.3) mile run. I ran my little heart out for 20 miles (well, the first 6 sucked, but, I found an Oreo at our water stop and I kid you not, it was like angels sang down from heaven and everything after that totally kicked butt. Note to self, have husband post up at mile 6 and 20 with Oreos). I finished strong, with my last mile being my fastest (was I just dying to be finished? I'll never know for sure). I felt freaking awesome (I can walk today!).
I know that God blessed with me with a body that can run 20 miles. And that will run 26.2 miles in less than two weeks (gulp). I know that one year ago, the thought of running 6 miles made me want to crawl under a rock. I know that I've gained some weight, my butt is freaking huge, my legs are chubby and my love handles are out of control, but, I can run 20 miles. I don't really know what all this means, but, I'm really trying to make myself feel better since I was told by a certain work colleague that I'd love marathon training because I'd be in the best shape of my life. I beg to differ, because I looked way better in May, but, whatevs (slightly bitter, what can I say, at least I'm honest).
I know that for once, I will have completed a goal. A milestone. A finish.
It's not what I set out to do on my 24th birthday, or even on December 31, 2008, but, it's what I set out to do and I'm doing it.
I don't think I've ever been so giddily excited over anything. Seriously. This is right up there with my wedding day (which was really a blur, and I'd like to watch the video of it sometime because I remember exactly .5% of the entire day).
I can't believe that almost another year has gone by. I can't believe that I haven't achieved nearly anything that I wanted to by this time, nor can I believe that in 13 days, I will run a marathon. I can't believe that I have completed two half marathons, two 15ks, and two 10k races this year. Never in a million years.
Sometimes things don't work out.
But, sometimes they do.
Sometimes, you find yourself in the most unexpected places.
Like in a pair of hot pink running shoes (which are sadly going to be laid to rest on November 23rd, 2009 as they have served their purpose--and considering I recently lost one of two remaining toenails, am pretty sure I should have retired them in October--oh well).
You just never know.
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