I'm not even going to try to beat around the bush, I'll just come right out with it (if you know me, you know I have no shame):
Right now, I do not love myself (heck, I don't even like myself). I posted a while back about how I was feeling down because of my weight, and in my efforts to combat that, I've sunk way more money into personal training than I ever needed to. Which of course spurs guilt like you would not believe because we are a single income family and how selfish am I?
And guess what? Haven't lost a single pound and nothing fits. Still.
We're going on 18 months of my husband's unemployment and it's freaking hard. Hard on both of us. I never thought it would last this long (heck, I've been saying that for months). But, it has. It's our reality and to be honest, it's really been hard to accept. Accept that this could go on for another year. Which sounds ridiculous, but, that sounded ridiculous last June, so, at this point, anything is possible.
And there's other stuff. Just stuff in my life that makes it hard to get out of bed. Hard to breathe. Hard to do anything.
I doubt my ability to place one foot in front of the other for 5 steps let alone a be able to run 50k.
(to which, feeling like I can't do that makes me break down in tears and then I stress out that I can't even run, which is the one thing I love to do that actually makes sense right now, but I can't even do that. So I cry some more)
I don't know.
So, instead of a bunch of "woe is me" posts (which, admittedly, y'all have gotten a lot of lately), I'm just going to not post until I can get things together. I don't know when that will be. It might be next week. It might be next year. Or sometime in between. I don't know.
And although "taking a blog break" seems to be the tres chic thing to do these days, and y'all know how I love hoppin' on a bandwagon, but this is something that has been on my mind a lot lately.
I don't feel like I have anything important, fun, or even witty to share with you (unless of course you want to hear about how I ate my body weight in McD's fries and then finished it off with an ice cream sundae and then cried myself to sleep because holy hell who eats like that?).
I feel like I've lost my connection to a lot of my friends (e-friends and those few IRL ones I have), and that's all totally my fault because I can't pull my head out of my ass and function like a normal freaking human. But, right now, it's hard enough to breathe, so, I might be a tad self centered. And that's not me.
I'll still be on Twitter. I'll still be reading and commenting on yours (because y'all? Are too funny and I can't imagine trying to survive this particular type of hell without you), I'll still respond to emails (but, honestly, I get like one a month, so, that's not really pressing). I'd love to stay in touch with y'all.
Thanks for sticking with me through the hard times. Thanks for putting up with my rambles. Thanks for sharing your lives with me.
I'll be back (said in Terminator voice of course)
And better than ever.
(please don't forget me, k? Promise?)
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21 comments:
I want to cry because I really wish I could wave a magic wand and fix all of this for you. And because, on some levels, I am feeling a lot of the same things you are and I am not brave enough to talk about them or even blog about them and then I am stuck feeling dishonest and disingenius on my own blog and then I am all tongue tied because if I don't lie to yall and babble about how life is all cute and happy then I don't have much to say and...and...anyways, I don't want to whine because this is your blog and I can't steal the show :)
But know this...I loves you lots. And I am here if you need to talk. Or want to get pumped up. Or just need to commisserate about how damned good those Mickey Ds french fries are. Because, seriously? I think they sprinkle a little cocaine in the salt. So good.
Hang in there and I hope you are back to blogging soon. I have my fingers crossed for all of your schtuff and hope that things start resolving themselves. You deserve that.
Oh girl!! I eat like that! McD's fries are yummmm!!
You should be so proud of yourself for what you can/have accomplished! And girl, I can barely run up the stairs.... I could never do what you do!!
I hope you are feeling better soon and know that you will be missed while you are taking your break!
Forget you? Never. I hope things turn around soon!
Don't be a stranger. :)
I too wish I could wave the magical wand and make everything better. I think this is a curse going around lately because I am feeling a lot of these same feelings. I just feel down, really down and I can't pull myself out of my pit-of-hell. I hope you get everything sorted out. I will miss reading your posts.
I wish there was something I could do to help. We all have these days/months where life is really hard and you don't need to worry about posting things that aren't "up" all the time. I recently started reading your blog and I love it because you keep it real! I'll say a prayer that things get better and I agree that french fries COMPLETELY help a situation from time to time. I ate a massive bowl of ice cream last night after looking in the mirror and wondering why I don't have abs. Everything is going to be ok! You seem like a very tough person and don't take too long of a break! We'll miss you in blog land. :-) Hugs to you my friend!
Big hugs, sloppy puppy kisses, and lots of sparkly positive vibes fairy dust coming your way, love!
so sad you're leaving, but believe me, i totally get the need to take a break. i haven't found the complete push to let go for even a day...but i'm thinking i should! good for you for doing what's right for you.
don't stay gone too long. i'll miss you!
i haven't been commenting very often, but trust me, i'm reading.
big big hugs! take care of you!
Hugs Ally! I hate it when I have "down days" like that. Tomorrow is a new day, go easy on yourself and love the special person you are. This economy has really done a number on some of our family too. Hang in there and know that you are loved!
I'm sorry you are feeling down, sounds like a heAvy load is on your shoulders. I hope things turn around for you soon and if not feel free to blog about whatever you want because it's your blog and your personal outlet. Good luck!
Giiiiirrrlll! I'm so sorry and I, too, (you. are. loved.) wish I could make everything better for you. Hang in there! I'm gonna miss you and your bloggin', please come back soon? but first and foremost, take care of yourself and family. we got yo back whenev you need us. muah.
Hang in there! I think you totally deserve a break - and those french fries! :) I love your blog so much - and this is exactly why I do. I think it's amazing that you put all of your feelings out there...I'd love to be able to do the same. I'll be thinking about you and wishing you well!
I've been lurking for a while, but I wanted to jump in and say: hang in there. It'll turn around. And until it does, tons of virtual hugs from the internet people that love reading what you write - especially when it's about fries and sundaes. We've all been there. You'll make it through.
I am going to miss your hilarious posts BUT (everyone I know has a big but...) you are smart to focus on YOU!
I'm praying that things start to look up soon. I'm praying that Hubs gets a job opportunity. I'm praying that you get right with you. You are dealing with some very tough issues.
As far as French fries go...sadly, my ff addiction is fueled by the Whataburger that is RIGHT next to the running store where I coach. I actually drive around the building before going through the drive through just so no one will see me head straight there after a run! You are not alone with the French fries. And that's okay!
Kidding aside, please know that people you've never even met, care about you!!!
I am so sorry to hear that life is tough right now, but since misery loves company, know that you are not alone! I have been in and out of jobs all year and know how much stress that can put on everybody AND I have definitely eaten my weight in a McD's substitute many a nights! ha ha! Just know that the only thing that is constant is that nothing ever stays the same and this time in life will pass. I have considered taking blogging breaks many a' times and I think they are healthy to decompress and focus on things. Good luck to you and I look forward to your blogging return!
Just said a prayer for you darlin. And feel free to email me any time you need an ear or, eh, eye, I guess! Things'll turn up soon :)
Negative Nancy is such a b*tch isn't she? She comes in and makes herself at home and the next thing you know you can rid yourself of her...
But seriously girl, we've all been there and let's face it, it can't always be rainbows and sunshine. You've got to do what's best for you and know that we will still be here when you return or maybe sooner... you have my number if you EVER need a vent session or just want to chat. Seriously!
You are my redheaded sista from another motha and I heart you to death. Try to keep that chin up and you will def be in my prayers!
I'm so sorry sister! I hope you feel better soon and things start to look up. XOXO
All I can say to this is I LOVE YOU SO FREAKING MUCH IT HURTS.
Do with that what you will.
Oh, and McDonald's fries rock.
you can do it! blogging breaks are definitely cool - i should know, i'm slowly coming out of one. but don't be so hard on yourself. "life issues" make "weight issues" even harder to deal with. you can do that 5k, i believe in you! just do it!
Lovey, take a rest. It's also hard for me to breathe right now, both literally and figuratively. Literally in that my daughter's head is shoved somewhere in my right rib cage. Figuratively in that I'm having my second child in a matter of 4 weeks and I'm NOT READY. Oh, ready to get her out, yes, but ready to tackle mommyhood to two babies? Not quite.
I miss chatting with you and very much plan to resume normal life...sometime in the fall??? Argh. I totally get what you're saying though. I have walked a few very dark paths in my time and would love to help in any way I can. Even just talking about it. I have some advice I can give but it's personal in nature and not comment-friendly! But it's free for the taking if you're interested!
In the meantime, please just take care of yourself and know that you are loved, by MANY. You are such a treasure and you need to remind yourself of that, even if it means writing it on post-its and putting them all over your house, car, office. I mean it!
Talk to you soon,
Becky
Oh honey, I'm so sorry you're going though this. Take your time with the blog and focus on yourself right now. You should like you need some serious pampering and relaxing for a while. Do you want me to send Mally down there to take care of you? Because I will! What about taking a mini-vacation? With the hubs or with some girlfriends. Or hell, I could plan a road trip to meet up with you sometime. A few days away might be good for you. What's in between us? Oklahoma?! Why not! I'm here if you need anything!
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