Dear Mom,

Just wanted to drop you a line...

I miss you. A lot. More than a lot. I miss you so much. I can't believe it's been nearly 5 years since you died. And, I'll be honest, I wish you and Jen could have just run little freaking faster, I won't lie. I mean, come on! If y'all had just.... Ugh, nevermind. I'm sorry. That's kind of irrelevant at this point. What's done is done and I can't change the past.

Anyways, I miss you. I spent the weekend in California at the house. We did a kind of final clean out. I was really nervous to see it, as I haven't been back in a few years. It was hard. The house looks nothing like it did--it's dirty and dingy and yuck. You would have never allowed it. No one else seemed as annoyed as I was (well, Lara and Bailey were horrified), but, I guess, it wasn't their house. It was our house.

I'm so ready to sell the house and let a new family enjoy it and raise their children there, but, I love that house so much, it's basically the perfect house. And, it makes me sad that my children won't ever run down the stairs on Christmas morning, won't jump into the pool, that I won't sit at the kitchen island and watch you cook... It's all so official. I knew it was over 5 years ago, I knew that I could never move back to that house--I did. I knew it. But, I guess, selling it is just so official. And it's scary.

Also, I recently learned that your husband's new fiance's kids were living there! And in my room. The nerve. Can you even believe that? Me, with my wildly private "you cannot touch my stuff" living space-ness? There were intruders! It was horrific. Although, I'm sure you saw it all and were laughing at the just sheer craziness of the situation, but, anyways. Clearly, they were the dirty home keepers. (gross)

I think you'd be proud of me and what I've done with my life. I managed to graduate from college only a semester behind--which is remarkable considering I took off a year after you died. Sadly, I didn't use that year to travel, or do anything you probably would have wanted me to do, but, I did work at Hailey's (and got lots of cute clothes) and planned a wedding. I managed to get myself married, and you'd just love him and his family. You would have loved the wedding. It was hydrangea overload, and nearly perfect--perfect would have been you there--perfect would have been you making my wedding dress--perfect would have been me wearing your wedding dress. That would have been perfect. But, it was good enough.

I never did make it (yet) to the big corporate world. I work at a University and love it. I do PR and marketing--just like I told you I would. Although, I didn't get my degree in English (like we wanted) or business (like dad wanted), but, I think I did alright.

I am a homeowner. Yep, we bought a house a few months ago. I was really nervous because it is kind of bigger than I wanted and a little more money than I wanted to spend (I did not get frugality from you, let's be honest), but, everyone played the "this is a total Marilyn house" and "wouldn't your mom want you to have the entertaining house?"--and, yes, and yes, you'd love it.
Darin got married--can you believe it? Kim and I went to the reception. It was beautiful. He and his wife have a sweet little girl who you would love, with another on the way. Shauna and Spencer had another little girl.... Brad and Melissa have--how many do they have now Aunt Suzi?? Jimmy and Whitney too--I can never keep up. Robin and Darin had two more boys and were living in Walnut Creek and going to Crytal's ward. Small world. They all miss you too.

I really miss all the fun we had. I miss calling you at the end of the day. I miss summer concerts. I miss vacations. I miss you. I'm trying to do things that I think you would want me to do: I'm getting better at cooking, I've recently gotten good at baking, I'm going to learn Italian, I have a sheltie--just like Muffy, we're saving our money to travel--I want to go to all the places you went when I was younger, I have your photographs all over my house, Bri and I are trying to go back to the villa, my best friend is a photographer, oh, and, I'm trying to write a book. I think you'd be proud. I hope so. I miss you.

But, I know you're with me.

Bri has dreams about you. When I graduated, she said it felt like she was you and she was watching me walk across the stage like a parent. Recently, I made my husband go to a concert with me and when we were sitting there, about mid-way through, tears just welled up in my eyes and I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't tell you which song it was, but, it was you. And I was so happy. Go figure, you'd show up at a Kenny Chesney concert. Sure. Sounds just like you. You would wait until then.

I finally found that gorgeous picture you took of that couple in Rome. I don't know what I'll do with it, but, I found it. And some pictures from Venice--and that botched b&w from Bryce Canyon. It's a good thing I have lots of wall space....

I suppose that's all for now... I miss you. I love you.

XOXOXO
Your Ally Girl