Watching education programming doesn't make me smarter

Scene: The husband and I are watching something on National Geographic (don't be so surprised, I can venture outside my usual territory of Burn Notice and The Office--it's rare, but, it happens). We're watching something on Alaska and fish and stuff and because my husband is in love with Alaska, I'm willing to sacrifice for the common good (also, The Office was a re-run).

Also, this show is about salmon sharks. I kid you not.

Me: What's a salmon shark?

Husband: A shark.

Me: Like a shark shark, or a really big salmon that people call a shark because it's so big?

Husband: A normal shark, like a maco or great white.

Me: Does it look like a salmon? Why is it called a salmon shark?

Husband: Because 90% of their diet is salmon. They eat salmon.

Me: That's kind of misleading. I was picturing some sort of hybrid. Like a really big salmon--which would be cool because salmon is yummy.

Husband: That's not misleading--they eat salmon, thus, salmon shark. They probably taste like salmon.

Me: So then we should change the name of great whites to Surfer Sharks--since they tend to eat surfers.

Husband: ::blank stare::

Me: I'm just sayin', I was expecting some sort of damn hybrid. This is false advertising.

National Geographic Narrator: While humans have only been naming these salmon sharks for the last hundred years, they have been ruling these waters for centuries.

Me: Obviously, humans named these sharks stupidly. I still want to see a salmon/shark hybrid. This is dumb. I bet there's a bunch of people watching this excitedly hoping for some giant salmon. They're really disappointed.

Husband: Doubtful.

Yes my dears, I know nothing about sea life. Amazing that I have a college degree, isn't it? (it's not like I majored in marine biology people!) And am still sad that there really isn't some sort of giant salmon.

Hmph.

I guess I shouldn't become a teacher anytime soon......

P.S. Regarding running the Cowtown Marathon on Feburary 27th--we'll see how I feel on Saturday after my long run. Cowtown is two weeks before Catalina and I don't want to die and have a terrible race in Catalina, so, we'll see. In theory, I could use Cowtown as my last training run (er, 26.2 miles vs. 21 miles) and it's a difficult course, which could help me in Catalina since we all know I'm not running Catalina for time. Anyways, thanks for your comments and support--I don't want to let y'all down, but, I also don't want to ruin my chances of enjoying Catalina. I'll be at Cowtown either way :)

Insane? Or best idea ever?

Probably the first.

This is where y'all weigh in (also, regarding weight, I've lost 2 lbs! ::does happy dance:: stupid Weight Watchers and counting points like a crazy person really does work--I would sell my left arm to be one of those naturally skinny people--and I'm left handed!).

So, today has been a rough day. Like, really, really bad. Which I hate because I don't need to be all Debbie Downer and trust me, my husband and sis in law do not need it either. Plus, in generally, nobody likes Debbie Downers. It's a known fact.

While I'm all trying to figure out when the crap a door or window will be opened for me to leave my current job or learn whatever lesson it is I'm supposed to learn while I'm here (ugh!). I had a thought. (and profound because usually these thoughts fall along the lines of 'what kind of disease could I come up with today?' or 'could I go back to school for a master's in something? How much could I get in student loans?' and other rather ridiculous thoughts because hate it or not, I'm not goin' anywhere anytime soon)

You see, I want to be a Marathon Maniac (yes, I know). I am running a marathon in March (Catalina) and one in April (Oklahoma City). To qualify for Maniac status, I need to run a marathon in May. Sam has this all figured out and says I should run the Orange County Marathon in California the first week in May (ahem, which is also a week after the Oklahoma City Marathon, which I am running because I just paid for hotel and race so, come hell or high water, I'm there!). This is all well and good because then I could go on vacation at the end of May (and that's really what we care about, yes?).

However... However, if I can't fly to California for that, (because I'm sure my employer would be thrilled to know I'm running two marathons on back to back weekends--they frown on this behavior enough) it will leave me high and dry as May is a sloooooow marathon months around these parts.

Solution? February, March, April.(I know, I'm a genius)

I haven't signed up for The Cowtown (half) yet, so, should I just buck up and sign up for the full?

It's 4 weeks away. (I just died a little)

Discuss.

It's a good thing I'm married

And not because I'm like fighting the men off or anything like that--trust me, that has never been an issue. (and my poor husband thinks he got all lucky and crap because despite what you think I am an excellent cook and I like me a clean house--he's just blissfully unaware that I was totally un popular in high school and obviously that is the be all end all of the world and I stayed with a terrible guy because good Lord I was too scared to be single....obviously, I have issues. Sucker.)

But, it is a good thing.

Also a good thing? The fact that I got married young. As in really young. As in what the crap was I thinking young (but am so happy I did because I love my husband and our crazy life) (wow, did this just turn into a gush about my marriage?). I digress.

I'm a very independent little lady (weird, I know). I don't mind being home alone and I'll get up and run in the dark at 5:15 all by my lonesome, no problemo. Also, I like things a certain way. If the husband offers to finish cooking a dinner that I've started, it ain't gonna happen because I have it visualized (?) how it should taste and he'll mess it up (trust me, I love him, but, it will not turn out the right way). This is weird and bitchy, I'm aware. And then I get all bitter about how I have to cook every single night. But, until Giada de Laurnetiis moves in with me, I'm pretty much going to cook because I like things a certain way.

Also, I'll eat anything my mother in law puts in front of me. This is bizarre because those folk? They like steak. And pork. I eat neither of those things. Except I was tricked into eating pork at a funeral recently. Let's not discuss this. It's a good thing I'm not Jewish.

Where was I?

Oh yes, good thing I'm married because even though I'm super independent and so clearly don't need anyone to tell me how to do anything (at one point today, I installed toner in a fax machine all by myself. If that isn't a victory, I don't know what is) (also, it's 2010, why are there still fax machines?) I refuse to learn certain other things. (this includes figuring out the pool filter and the lawn mower)

As in, ask me anything about my health insurance, property taxes and or why our windows are ghetto and I've got nothin. You want me to stash away money in my savings account like a damn squirrel with nuts? I'm you're girl. Want me to weigh the benefits of an HMO vs. PPO? Nothin.

I make the husband do that.

And before y'all get all feminist on me, chill. We did the whole open enrollment thing together when I started my job--looked through all the paperwork and all the costs and the breakdowns, etc. But, that was two years ago, it hasn't changed and I have no idea which plan we're on. I could of course look it up on my company's HR site, but, I don't really want to.

And money stresses me out and I figure he's way calmer under pressure than I am so if anyone is the smarter one with the taxes it's him because I would freak out way to much and then just not do my taxes and then go to federal prison and let's be honest I'm too pretty for prison. Federal or otherwise.

(this is also why I'm a rule follower. Super afraid of consequences and cops. In my husband's words "you don't have any rebel in you"--which is odd because I have two tattoos. But, we were all stupid and 18 once, yes? Yes).

So, at the end of the day, I might be a little June Cleaver in my "let the man handle it", in terms of some things, but, if you want someone to wig out on the cable guy, internet people or B of A for falsely charging you for something--I'm your gal. I'll even get you a month of internet for free. (The people at Time Warner Cable hate me)

That said, thank goodness I'm married otherwise, there's a good chance I'd be living on the lamb in Canada for tax reasons.

I like Canada and all, I just don't like the cold.

Dear excess poundage that refuses to leave,

You suck. I hate you. You're basically the anti Christ.

The irony of the situation? I'm running like a ca-razy person. Like, I'm kicking major asphalt (and treadmill belts) and slowly getting faster. Intervals, the works. As in everything that's supposed to make the pounds just melt away. (lies!)

And, I'm back to counting points (annoying as all get out) (and I'm usually up around 2AM starving in which I find myself with a half empty jar of peanut butter and am now noticing my almond butter stash is dwindling--nope, not sleep eating, I'm fully 100% awake) (also, when craving cookies, just make the cookies. Eating a box of crackers which equals like 500 points, is still not going to end the cookie craving--eat the damn cookie)

Obviously, I'm getting some bad juju for being all "I'm skinny!" last year and karma is biting me in the two sizes bigger than EVER butt. Thanks, karma for the reminder. You win. I'm not skinny.

So, extra tummy (and butt, thigh and upper arm) (gross, gross, gross) fat, take note. I'm totally onto you and your ways (box of whole wheat crackers anyone?) and it's coming to an end.

Come hell or high water, I will enjoy that damn In-N-Out burger in March after one hell of a marathon. And I will do it several (read: ten! ten!) pounds lighter.

Even if that means going to bed hungry every single night (and buying a safe for me to stash the peanut butter in and only letting my sis in law have the combo) (the chocolate can go in the safe as well) (crap).

Yes, bloggies, I realize we've been down this road before. But, I will be damned if it doesn't take this time.

I really want that burger.

(also, I'm so damn hungry right now that I could eat my arm. But won't, lest I be known as the girl who eats her own extremities)

I'm officially one of those crazy people with the endorphins

True story my friends, true story.

Remember a few months back when I was all "woe is me and I want to die"? Yeah, that was a sucky time, not going to lie. Things in general sucked, so, obviously, my mood was foul. It didn't help matters that I was not running, like at all.

Fast forward to now, and I'm running pretty regularly (but could not pull myself out of bed today--we'll discuss later) and even though things are actually pretty much 50% worse than they were back in October, I'm not nearly as bitchy as I was.

Reason?

I've gotten my act together and been running almost every morning. Lord help me, but, really, when I don't run before work, I get all grumpy and whiney about going to work. If I run? Sure, I'm still a bit annoyed because, yeah, it's work, but, I'm not contemplating ramming my car into a telephone pole for a day off.

I didn't run this morning, like I said, so, naturally, I'm just a peach to deal with right now. This will be resolved at lunchtime--thank heavens.

Which leads me to believe that I have somehow mysteriously morphed into one of those crazy endorphins people who really do get a high from a good workout (read: run).

Never.in.a.million.years.

On that note, on Saturday, I managed to drag my scary weight (yes, I have one and yes, I'm there, shut up) ass out of bed early and managed to not only get in 16.5 kick ass miles, but, move up a pace group (this is huge for me--huge!). And my sweet husband came to pick me up since it was too far to run home (ran to the clubhouse, ran the loop, ran to the nearest parking lot).

Now, can someone just give my sweet husband a job? Preferably one that allows me to have children and be a semi stay at home mom? Puh-leeze! K, thanks.

Happy Monday y'all.

An open letter to those who bring grapefruits to the office and call it a 'treat'

We’re on to you.

Grapefruit is not a treat heretofore to be included in sweet treat Friday. Although, I do give you points for bringing in muffins. However, the grapefruit cancels it out, so you’re still at like zero points.

Reason? Because the grapefruit gives people the opportunity to be all ‘I’m really watching my calories, but, otherwise I would totally have a muffin’. And then, I look like a total fatty cause Weight Watchers or not, I’m totally taking a muffin. (because who turns down a muffin, I mean really?) (also, I'm back on Weight Watchers. So far, I've gone over my points because apparently I wake up starving in the middle of the night and eat like 3 peanut butter sandwiches. Therefor undoing my points for that day since it's already like 3 AM at this point)

And while everyone does the modest ‘oh, they aren’t very good’ or ‘oh, some of them are burned’ that’s just what you say. I’m a full on Betty Crocker with baked goods, but, I like to be humble and modest so I’ll tell you they might be burned. This also lowers your expectations so when they aren’t burned, they’re even more yummy and you love me more. Obviously, this is genius. This plan does not work however if they really are actually majorly burned. Then we're just annoyed that you brought us burnt muffins (and grapefruits).

Don’t test new recipes or break in your oven on us. We aren’t guinea pigs and we like actual treats (and look forward to them like children at Christmas because after all isn't that what growing up and having a job is all about? Getting excited for Friday?). They can even be store bought—we don’t care. Really, all we're looking for is the sugar and calories.

Besides, to get me to eat a grapefruit, it’s going to involve a lot of Splenda.

I like sweet, so sue me.

So, next week, I’ll bring the treats. I’ll even use real butter.

You’re welcome.

PS. I have nothing against people who like grapefruit (although I am not one of them) (hi mom who's not alive and might be reading this in the beyond!)--I'm whining about people who consider grapefruit part of 'swett treat Friday'. That is all.

I'm too lazy for 'fancy'

I really, really am. And I've no idea how this has happened. When I was in college, I was married (gasp!), often worked two jobs, taught a very emotionally taxing Sunday school program every.single.Sunday (which meant prep work) and you know, took classes and managed a household.

Somehow, I still found time to go to the mall and buy nice-ish things.

Fast forward and now unless it's on my way home from work, there's a 99.5% chance I won't go there. This is why getting me to Whole Foods is a miracle (even though I'm obsessed with it) and I'll go several weeks hijacking my husband's shampoo because the salon I get mine from is just too far (read: 10 minute drive).

All this to say, my fancy work appropriate skirt, sweater, faux croc heels ensemble I'm sporting today? All from the le Target that is halfway between the office and mi casa.

Who says lazy can't look good? (ok, I look semi-good--the hair is a hot mess, but, we'll move on)

And yet, I manage to run 30 miles a week. Hmmm.

Hope y'all have a fabulous weekend!

PS. Thanks for the great travel/vacation recommendations. We've still not decided on anything but are leaning towards Mexico/Central America. Yay for beaches!

6 months to 5 years

Yep, the husband and I are just 6 months shy of our 5 year wedding anniversary (all together now: awwwww).

We haven't been on a vacation since our honeymoon (no, Disney with the parents and Arizona circus do not count).

We won't be going to a Hawaii wedding this summer (but, still going to a wedding, it just won't be in Hawaii. Boo!).

All that to say, we want to go on a vacation this summer to celebrate our crazy insane 5 years (cause for real--these 5 years? Intense).

This is where y'all come in--any tips/locations/advice for an economical (read: um, low cost/cheap) beach-ish vacation? We've (um, I've) looked into cruises from Galveston, but, not exactly hot on the locations offered.

Please, share your wealth of knowledge.

Am I unfairly judging the Galveston cruise? Are there unknown islands that might offer nice beaches, fun activities and not a six figure pricetag? Can we do Hawaii on the cheap?

I'm all ears.

(thanks in advance)

Things you shouldn't do. Because they are stupid.

I'm here to offer y'all some free advice, because lately, I've been learning a lot, and, being the fantastic blogette that I am, want to pass it along to you. Free of charge. Of course, if you want to pay me, that's fine too.

Now, without further ado, I present, my list of "don'ts"

1. Run a red light. On a Sunday. In front of a cop. (luckily, he did the same thing and we got home free and clear. But really, it's an abnormally short green light and I honestly thought we could make it)

2. Allow your fabulous sis in law reign in the kitchen. (she will bake banana bread and cinnamon muffins and you will gain weight, but, you love her anyway)

3. Try to run the remaining 8 miles of your long run by yourself. (you will get bored, pissy and generally stop every 2.5 minutes. Estupido!)

4. Go grocery shopping while only a teensy bit hungry, but, not starving. (because you'll come home with bags and bags of chips. Obviously)

5. Look at the elevation chart for your next marathon a mere two months out. (you will have a full on panic attack and lose a great deal of sleep over the whole thing and realize that there's an 8 hour cut off--my money's on 7:59:59 for my time y'all)

6. Try to paint your nails right before making dinner. (I think this is obvious)

7. Incorrectly label a FedEx package. (luckily, the people at FedEx customer service are very nice--I'm thinking I'm not the first person to do this)

8. Eat dessert, even though you don't need it. (this will result in extra tight pants and other items of clothing. Willpower anyone?)

As you can see, I've learned a lot the past few days. One would think I'd already know many of these things, but, one would be wrong. Hey, it's life, we learn as we go, yes? Yes. And, at the end of the day, I do get a kick out of myself.

Surely I'm not the only one.

Anyone else learned anything lately?

In which I get waaaay too excited about mascara

(for real)

My beloved Dior has been on its last leg for the last month but because I refused to buy a new tube because a) I'm lazy. I don't want to drive to the mall b)I don't like people and have no desire to deal with the crowds at the mall c) I'm cheap. I love my Dior and it lasts for-eva, but, these days, I'm extra cheap.

I finally chucked it a few days ago (moment of silence please) and went on the hunt for something cheap and easy (tee he, I'm funny).

Ladies (and gents if that's your style), I found it! I found my new favorite will-never-live-without-makes-me-look-like-I-have-fake-eyelashes-but-not-in-a-slutty-way-and-stays-on-for 500-days-mascara.

Guess what? It's the CoverGirl Lash Blast that Drew Barrymore has been yapping at me about for the last year or whatever.

And it picked it up for $7.29 at Target.

It's amazing.

Sorry, Dior (can't believe I just said that!).

There, my good deed for the day. (sharing makeup advice, obviously)

Now, go enjoy your Friday!

Random Ramblings

(lest you all think I'm too terribly shallow and not going to mention the devastation in Haiti--you're wrong: I'm heartbroken for them especailly since I know firsthand how damn horrible earthquakes are. I hate them. They suck major. And after seeing an orphanage director on TV yesterday, I, being the childless wannabe mother than I am did in fact look into adopting a little Haitian orphan--being a semi earthquake orpahn myself....but, let's just say I'll never qualify to adopt a baby. Haitian or otherwise. And I'm being serious. I've always wanted to adopt a child, it's just something I feel is in the cards for me...and although I wasn't sure if it was even reasonable, I still wanted to look into it)

1. One year ago on this date, I joined Weight Watchers. I lost 15 lbs in a few short months... And then managed to pack it back on. And then some. I'm really depressed about it. I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life, and it blows my mind because at my previous "heaviest" I ate terribly and rarely worked out. Now, I eat pretty well and run 30 miles a week. Someone, please explain.

2. I've mentioned before that I'm ready to lose the weight, and, I am, and I've been doing really well on portion control, snacking, etc and yet I've gained 2 pounds. Obviously, I'm irony's bitch.

3. I'm proudly sporting 3 blisters thanks to all my running this week.

4. Oddly enough, even though I'm Chunky McChunkerson (and no, I'm not fishing for compliments--maybe I look skinny or maybe I'm lighter than a lot of people, but, I can tell you that I'm not happy and my jeans are a wee bit too tight), and wearing a dress that always makes me look a good 5 months pregnant, I look pretty good today.

5. Of course I forgot there was a fancy pants luncheon and am not wearing a suit, but, maybe they'll just stick me in the back of the room. Whoops.

6. I have a leadership meeting tonight at 7. I don't want to go, I want to stay home and sleep (I'm super tired this week--ugh!). But, I have no good excuse to not go. This is kind of sucky.

7. At least I won't miss Burn Notice. But, I will miss The Mentalist.

8. The husband and I finally got new cell phones last night. He got a Droid and I got a Blackberry (we don't have AT&T so no iPhones for us). I currently have cell phone envy over the husband and have had no less than 15 panic attacks about the money we spent on these stupid things.

9. Also, "smart phones" really aren't that smart if it takes 3 hours to figure out how to send a text. Not that my husband had that issue or anything.

10. A co-worker beat me to the office this morning and that has never, ever, ever happened. I'm all sorts of bitter about it.

11. Now I can't sneak out early because she knows I got here at 8:15 and not 7:50 like usual. Lame!

12. I keep having dreams that we have kids. This is annoying for several reasons. a) we aren't even close to having kids b) it makes me want kids even more and c) it stresses me out.

13. Whatever.

14. I ran 7 miles this morning. That's like 20+ for the week. Not thrilled because I won't hit 40 (16 miles on Saturday--yikes), but, a good start I suppose.

15. I wish it was Friday.

16. I also wish my husband had a job (while we're wishing for things and all).

17. Can I wish I was 10 lbs lighter too?

18. And for a vacation? Since my dreams of a tropical vacation for the brother in law's wedding have been dashed (sad times--they are getting married stateside. Boooo!) an all.

19. At least I get to see my BFF for a few hours today--I love that she's my work's official photographer. Yay.

20. I also love all my blog friends--yes, you guys! Hell, you put up with all my stupid ramblings (or, at least pretend to!).

XOXOX
Happy Thursday!

Why yes, I am the cookie monster, thank you

Last night I somehow managed to get dinner on the table in a timely manner and after cleaning the kitchen (I know!) I got this wackado idea to bake some cookies.

Because I haven't had cookies in like what, a week?

You see, while some children find their happiest moments playing in the dirt, riding their bikes or playing with Barbie, mine are made up of baking cookies with my momma and thus stealing the oven hot goodies off the rack like a little mouse. (and suffering a lot of burns)

It's no secret that I lack self esteem--but, stick me in a kitchen with my baking goods and I'm Queen of the Castle and rockin' it like nobody's business (remember, it is, after all, all about me).

Enter the most fabulous cookies I have ever made: I have a major weakness for yogurt covered raisins and cranberries and have eaten my way through 3/4 of a bag in two days (new personal record, fyi), so, enter I mixed up some white chocolate and cransin cookies. OMG, yum.

1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/3 cup butter, softened
1 tsp vanilla
1/8 tsp salt
1 large egg
1 cup all purpose flour
1 cup oatmeal
1/4 dried cranberries
1/4 white chocolate chips

Heat oven to 350
Mix first 6 ingredients until fluffy
Add flour and oatmeal and mix well
Stir in craisins and chocolate chips

Bake for 15 minutes until light brown

Let cool.
Eat 3 or 4 as quickly as you can.
Repeat until gone (shouldn't take long.....not that I would know).

Good thing I kicked my own @$$ on the treadmill this morning--8.3 miles? Yes, thank you.