To Tell The Truth: Part Dos

I'm not even going to try to beat around the bush, I'll just come right out with it (if you know me, you know I have no shame):

Right now, I do not love myself (heck, I don't even like myself). I posted a while back about how I was feeling down because of my weight, and in my efforts to combat that, I've sunk way more money into personal training than I ever needed to. Which of course spurs guilt like you would not believe because we are a single income family and how selfish am I?

And guess what? Haven't lost a single pound and nothing fits. Still.

We're going on 18 months of my husband's unemployment and it's freaking hard. Hard on both of us. I never thought it would last this long (heck, I've been saying that for months). But, it has. It's our reality and to be honest, it's really been hard to accept. Accept that this could go on for another year. Which sounds ridiculous, but, that sounded ridiculous last June, so, at this point, anything is possible.

And there's other stuff. Just stuff in my life that makes it hard to get out of bed. Hard to breathe. Hard to do anything.

I doubt my ability to place one foot in front of the other for 5 steps let alone a be able to run 50k.
(to which, feeling like I can't do that makes me break down in tears and then I stress out that I can't even run, which is the one thing I love to do that actually makes sense right now, but I can't even do that. So I cry some more)

I don't know.

So, instead of a bunch of "woe is me" posts (which, admittedly, y'all have gotten a lot of lately), I'm just going to not post until I can get things together. I don't know when that will be. It might be next week. It might be next year. Or sometime in between. I don't know.

And although "taking a blog break" seems to be the tres chic thing to do these days, and y'all know how I love hoppin' on a bandwagon, but this is something that has been on my mind a lot lately.

I don't feel like I have anything important, fun, or even witty to share with you (unless of course you want to hear about how I ate my body weight in McD's fries and then finished it off with an ice cream sundae and then cried myself to sleep because holy hell who eats like that?).

I feel like I've lost my connection to a lot of my friends (e-friends and those few IRL ones I have), and that's all totally my fault because I can't pull my head out of my ass and function like a normal freaking human. But, right now, it's hard enough to breathe, so, I might be a tad self centered. And that's not me.

I'll still be on Twitter. I'll still be reading and commenting on yours (because y'all? Are too funny and I can't imagine trying to survive this particular type of hell without you), I'll still respond to emails (but, honestly, I get like one a month, so, that's not really pressing). I'd love to stay in touch with y'all.

Thanks for sticking with me through the hard times. Thanks for putting up with my rambles. Thanks for sharing your lives with me.

I'll be back (said in Terminator voice of course)

And better than ever.
(please don't forget me, k? Promise?)

"Brandy, throw more brandy! Rum. I never mix my pies!"

There are so many things I could ramble about, as always, but, today, I leave you with my favorite scene, from one of my all time favorite movies (actually, this isn't my favorite scene, my favorite is the prince all drunk and talking to his 'Mumzie'--and the reason I called my mom 'Mumzie', but, YouTube didn't have that one)

I miss my mom a lot today (I miss her every single day!), but, am so grateful for the judges that upheld the verdict, thus supporting safety for those living in California. I'm so grateful for our attorneys for standing by us, being our best friends, our favorite people to have take out with, our favorite people to rant with, our lightning rods, our family--and of course, just being geniuses in general. They are the reason I wish I had gone to law school--I want to work for them and do what they do--fight for safety (it's no surprise my husband's dream job is with OSHA--we're all about workplace safety!)

Anyways, enjoy.


PS. I'm in love with the cake he falls into. I always wanted that for a birthday, although I'm sure it's taller than me.

The Goings On

Aside from frantic last minute packing for my whirlwind trip to Beantown, here's what's shakin' at casa de SP:

I got a manicure (first one in like a year) by a lady named 'Bich'. And no I am not making this up, and yes I read her nametag wrong (not outloud, luckily!). Such an unfortunate name.

Said manicure is already chipping. It is unlikely that it will last through Boston trip, which was it's sole purpose. I suppose I should have gotten them done later in the week. Eh.

I'm on a break with my flat iron. This is our first break ever. I feel guilty. Like I'm cheating on him with hair gel and mousse. But, it's too damn hot to straighten my hair or even touch the blow dyer. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but, I do know that I'm not a sweaty mess first thing in the morning.

I'm determined to have a good run on Friday night, even if it kills me. I ran out of time and couldn't run on Monday, so, I'll have to get in a few easy miles tomorrow morning, which I don't love doing the day before a long run, but, oh well. I suppose I'll take some Advil with me on the run!

I also don't really eat dinner on Friday nights because of the nighttime running. Perhaps this is why I suck after 3 miles?

It's hot here (are you sick of that yet?). I ran 3.20 miles yesterday morning and it was so hot that I went through all my water within the first 2 miles. And when I got home I was soaking wet. Ick. Am trying to get used to it!

The husband is looking into doing a 100k bike race 4th of July weekend. I'm excited to be his spectator for once! (although it is at 7AM in a town that is two hours away and we're running 20 miles that Friday night, but, ya know, I can sleep in the car/sleep during the race before he finishes)

Can someone please give my husband a job? 18 months is ridiculous.

I went on a redecorating spree over the weekend. So far, just the living room. But, I've got my eye on the master bedroom and by golly I will paint the dining room!! And buy curtains. Eventually. (like when we have two incomes)

We're currently on a "slim down the Beagle" project. For whatever reason, our girl dogs are just porkers and obsessed with food. It's insane. And since beagles are prone to weight problems as they get older, we're getting our hound in shape. Yes, I realize I sound totally off the handles talking about our dog's weight loss, but, that's all I've got kids! Plus, she gets really excited for her walks. Totally cute.

I made a weird batch of chocolate chip cookies the other day. They were too buttery. I know, right, when would I ever say that? Hm.

It's Wednesday. I thought it was Thursday. Such is life....

What's going on in your life? Please tell me I'm not the only person concerned with doggie weight watchers?

Musings & Monday

(look at me, I'm on a roll!)

So, how was your weekend? What's on your mind?

While you think about that (and answer of course!), I'll be so kind as to let you know what's going on over in my land of HOT. (yes, that's right, it's just HOT. As in, "I live in Hot." No need for city or state or anything)

1. Speaking of hot, Friday's run? HOT. Hellish would probably be a better term. 3 miles into it I started getting dizzy, cold prickleys, and seeing stars. Which means (drumroll, please): heat exhaustion! (again!) GAH! I sucked it up and ran 9 miles. I was supposed to do 15. I'm all sorts of bitter about it and the fact that some people were all "you really think you can run a 50k?" really got on my nerves! Dudes. Yes. I can run a 50k. And I can run it within the time limit. I ran 4 marathons in 6 months. I can run a 50k. Back off. Also, the damn course we're running for training is so hilly that I can't even tell you--my heart rate goes crazy high on those long steep hills and it's a lot! The actual race course? Pancake flat. You can see why I don't care so much for these opinionated folk.

2. My running buddy said she'd drag me along for 16 this week and not let me stop. This is good. I need her to kick my ass. Cause we all know I won't do it myself.

3. I am really mad at myself for stopping at 9. But, those nine really took it out of me. I slept in super late Saturday morning and felt like crap all day.

4. But, I got in a 30 minute leg workout, which is better than nothing, so, I'm trying to be positive!

5. I have an appointment with my trainer tonight. I'm not looking forward to it. I like to be able to move and ya know open doors. But, I guess it's a good thing. Right?!?!?

6. In other news, I stayed up way too late (ahem, for this old lady that would be 10:15) but it took me another 2 hours to fall asleep, so, needless to say, I slept in and did not run this morning.

7. Running after my training session does not sound fun, but, what choice do I have? Grrr.

8. Must. find. love. for. running. again!

9. You'd think a 50k would be more motivating, but, you'd be wrong. And, also? I'm like really tired. Like all the damn time. I think I could sleep for a week.

10. Also? I have an addiction for terrible train wreck reality TV such as Tori & Dean (dude, for real) and anything to do with the Kardashian clan. Yes, I realize I am completely crazy.

11. Speaking of hot, my office is the exact opposite. Which is nice, in theory because you don't want to be all sweating and gross when you're trying to write a professional email, but, it is so damn cold in my office that I'm shivering (teeth chattering and all!) and jonesing for a space heater. For real, freezing. And I'm even in layers! That's not exactly normal. Shouldn't we like be trying to save energy and not put the thermostat down to like 60? I mean really!!!

12. Am cold.

13. I hate being cold.

14. I bought a really cute dress the other day (go me!) and it's 'petite' and still too long on me. I am not joking. Ironically, I find this hilarious. And I still wore the too long dress anyway.

15. Am going to Boston this weekend for like literally 24 hours. Flight gets in a 3:05 on Saturday and flight leaves at 3:05 on Sunday. This is kinda of insane, but, since I'm kind of insane and was told I could fly in on Saturday (thus getting in 16 hot and awful miles), I chose Saturday afternoon.

16. Anyone else doing the math? That means, run till like midnight ish on Friday, come home shower (because ick), go to be for a few hours, get up, go to airport, get to Boston, go to work. AWESOME. Oh well, I can sleep on the plane right? (even if I do have a middle seat! Evil, evil middle seat!)

17. I can do this! (I hope) Fueled by lots of Diet Coke, I'm sure.

18. I've been at my new job for almost three months. Crazy!!

19. It's hard not to stress about the future, ya know? I'm always a ball of stress. I still am. But, am trying to work on it.

20. We still haven't used our firepit. Ya know why? Because it's hot. And fire is hot. Obviously, these things don't mix. Sadtimes.

And that's all I've got for today kids!

Hope it's not as hot where you are, and if it is, I hope you get to "enjoy" the heat near a pool or beach. Or some body of water.

Because that's what I'd do.

The one with the spies and cigarettes. Only not the James Bond kind. Sad.

So, there's this store in between Target and my office (well, there are many stores, but, that's not the point) and from the first time I saw it, it's been this weird little mystery to me. Why? Because it's called The Spy Shop (I really wish 'shop' was spelled 'shoppe' in this case).

I imagine this is where scorned spouses go and that it's a mecca for wannabe PI's. Or small children like my sister when a few years ago she was obsessed with "spy stuff". My stepmom suggest I buy her night vision goggles for Christmas (ummmm, no). She got an art kit. I figured she could maybe put it to use drawing police sketches, but, she's more into having her DS attached to her at all times. It's like an iPhone for kids. Who am I kidding, she'll have a damn iPhone in a matter of months. I don't even have an iPhone.

Anyways.

A while back, I had to send something via UPS. I actually do this a lot. I spend a lot of time at UPS and FedEx. And calling the FedEx people. Yes, it's as glamorous as it sounds. So, I make use of my little friend Google and find the UPS Store nearest my workplace, print out the map and go about my merry way.

And wouldn't ya know it, the UPS Store is right next to Toys R Us for aspiring spies. Or just creeps in general. And I'm semi tempted to go in, but, have about a jillion things to do and the general area looks "eh", so, I speed into the UPS Store to get these packages sent to Chicago.

That's when I notice that the parking lot has an abnormal number of police cars in it. There are no restaurants in this random shopping center, so, it's not like they're eating lunch or doughnuts or anything. And they are all parked normally, not all haphazard like they would be if they were chasing some thug down. And there are no sirens at all, no one being led out in cuffs. Just a parking lot. With a ton of cop cars.

I go into UPS and try to hold my breath because the place smells like death (aka too many cigarettes!) and get out of there as quick as I can. Note: this is the sketchiest UPS Store I have ever been to (and yes, it did beat out the really creepy one in the ghetto of Boston I had to brave by myself!). Of course, there's a Cigar Store next to UPS, thus it is sandwiched between smokers and spies. Awesome.

I peer into the darkened window of the Cigar Store to look for the cops, thinking they're on a smoke break (or possibly getting tattoos as there is a tattoo parlor in this shopping center. Also? Did I just call it 'tattoo parlor'? I'm old). No dice. Cigar Store is closed on Monday (it was a Monday). Cops are not on a smoke break.

Cops were not in UPS ya know mailing evidence to other police jurisdiction or anything.

Which leaves two options: Spy Shop or Cat's Tattoo (for real. I know, it sounds like I work in the ghetto. I don't. I work in a damn suburb for crying out loud!).

To which I am fully perplexed. Are they trying out the new spy gadgets? Is this where they buy their night vision? Are they trying to perfect their detective skills? I mean, I kinda hope that their gear is like hard core top secret government stuff, not crap I could buy at my local Spy Shop. And I'm pretty sure they have top secret hard core government stuff especially if they're supposed to serve and protect and all. So why on earth were they in the Spy Shop??

Or were they all just getting inked on their lunch break??

I so wish I knew for sure!!

I'm falling apart, obvioulsy the husband will need to trade me in for a newer model.

Which is sad considering our 4.5 year age difference and the fact that he alternates between acting like a 12 year old or an 80 year old. If we go with the 12 year old option, he'll obviously need to date a toddler. However, if we got with 80, then I'm pretty much walking the tightrope of The Girls Next Door territory. Yikes! Neither of these are ideal.

So, in between not being able to move thanks to my personal training session the other day ("easy" my ass! I can't open doors people, can't open doors!) and the fact that my face decided to act out in response to my skincare SOS, I now have no less than 5 zits that hurt like all get out, I'm pretty much falling apart.

Am going to die.

And, naturally, because the Universe has a sense of humor, I'm only just GAINING weight and am dreading the thought of going out for an anniversary dinner with my husband this weekend because I look like the damn Michelin Man, and that is only cute on babies. Not on 25 year olds who want to be able to look back at their photos and not cringe (so far, hasn't happened in a good 8 months). This is ridiculous.

Plus, nothing I own fits me, so, it is entirely possible that I will have to go to dinner in my pajamas. Which would be comfy, but, I don't think many restaurants would let me in the door in my jammies and slippers.

On the upside, I have more hellish El Scorcho training this week. Hopefully, it will go better than last week! Fingers crossed kids, fingers crossed!

(sorry, I just realized that it came across pretty whiney--not my intention! Just a rant. We could all use a rant now and then, yes? Plus, the bonus of having no clothes that fit is that I go shopping at Pier 1, so, my house has never looked better!)

It's like I'm 16 again. But without any of the fun.

Holy mother of all things my skin hates me. It's regressed back to that of my teenage self (and let us just be honest here, those were not enjoyable years).

My skin is totally schizophrenic, OK--if I use anti acne face stuff, it dries out and literally peels after like two days, if I use anything else, it freaks the crap out and I have like 10 icky icky mounds of grossness of my face at any given time. And since we know I'm all hippie and flower child like with some things (my love of handmade jewelry not withstanding) I've been using tea tree oil on the death spots because I thought it might work better than some of those expensive things. And my mother, who never had a zit in her life swore by it. Me? I do not. Bring on the chemicals please. (but which ones?! I'm thisclose to just attacking my face with steel wool) (only not, because that would hurt like hell)

So while I try with every ounce of my being to keep my paws off my face (gah! And then I'll end up with more scars!) please, please, please tell me, how to fix this?

We all know I'm on a constant quest to look younger, but, rather seriously, this is not what I meant (are you listening Universe??). I meant like, no more wrinkles. Not looking like a hormonal teenager, thanks.

Ugh.

Perhaps I should create a more specific prayer rather than 'looking younger'? Perhaps this is my punishment for being vain?

Musings & Monday

we haven't done this in a while now have we?

Moving right along...

1. Sooo, Friday night greeted me with another El Scorcho training run. My slow running buddy as out of town (who are we kidding, she's way faster than me!) but luckily, someone else was willing to run like a turtle with me.
2. The race itself is basically a 5k loop, that we run a billion times. KILL ME NOW. So we decided the training runs should be loops. Sucky, but, it makes it easier to prepare for the mental challenge that is El Scorcho Ultra.
3. Now listen, remember how I got my ass kicked by my trainer last week? Well, my legs were still sore on Friday! No amount of stretching, yoga, foam rolling, epsom salt baths, Advil, etc were helping. NOTHING. I knew I'd be in trouble, but, prayed I could hold on and hammer out 12 miles.
4. I hammered out 10. And at some points I was so slow that I might as well have been walking. It was hard. But, I did it.
5. This whole night time training thing is weird--it's like I drive home at 90mph (not really) because I am so tired and just want to go to bed, but, then because hello, you just ran 10 miles, my body is all wide awake and happy (stupid endorphins), but my brain is toast. So falling asleep is hard. Sleeping in, is not hard.
6.. I decided to get a massage on Saturday afternoon since my legs were still killing me and I've had a really rough couple of weeks, I figured that a nice relaxing massage would help.
7. I was wrong, obviously.
8. My masseuse was former military and she said that she hadn't seen calves and hamstrings as tight as mine in ages. This obviously meant she needed to torture them. To quote Chandler "It was like I was being tortured for information, and I wanted to tell her, but, I just didn't know what the answers were". Holy moly, I was literally sweating bullets it hurt so bad--and I rarely get hot. So.painful. And yesterday? My legs were seriously tender to the touch.
9. Couple all this excitement with an hour or so of tanning, enjoying a dinner out, and World Cup action, that's pretty much my weekend.
10. Didn't run this AM because my legs seriously still hurt. UGH! Run tonight after work. I hate that I've become a sleeper inner. I hate working out after work. But am just always so tired. Any advice?

Hope y'all had a good weekend too!

So far, so good

Remember when I signed my life savings away for a personal trainer? (I did, in case you didn't know)

Well, last night was my first appointment, and, I can hardly walk. Shockingly, this is a good thing (notsomuch a good thing when I tried to get out of bed and go for a run. I fell. I hurt that much. Walking is a challenge). I can run for hours, but, you want me to kick my own butt with weights or something? Not.going.to.happen.

It all seemed so innocent--30 minutes of lifting weights, childsplay. Oh how naive I was. For real, had jello legs when I was finished. I call that a major, major win.

And, I ran 4.75 miles yesterday. This kind of dampers my plans for a 6 miler today, since you know, I can't walk, but, oh well! I figure having an awesome leg workout instead of a run will still help me power through a 9PM 13 miler on Friday, right? RIGHT??

First session: Good.

Now, let's just see about getting me into those skinny jeans.....

Runnin' With The Fireflies

Y'all know that one of my favorite things about summer in the South is the fireflies. I love them. They make me so happy. They remind me of being a kid and having hot summers in Iowa with my grandparents.

Anyways.

As some of y'all may know, I recently started my training for El Scorcho which is an all night 50k (no need to remind me that I'm insane, I'm fully aware, thanks). So, a group of us got together and decided that doing our long runs at night would be beneficial to get us used to running when we should be sleeping. According to El Scorcho veterans, that's the hardest part. Yikes.

I had a really hard week last week, like as in--well, it was bad. I was tired to my bones and wasn't looking forward to running--I wanted to get home from work and get in bed. But, that wasn't in the cards.

We met up at 9PM for a Lake Loop. It was hot. And humid. And then humid again. But? It.was.awesome. The fireflies were out, and it was just us and them (and of course the kids you know, using the lake for you know, the pot and the drinking and the other things we will not mention on the blog!).

We talked about everything. We laughed. We were soaking wet when we finished. We were fairly certain we looked like some kind of group of homeless vagabonds. We went back to our meet up point and ate watermelon and strawberries.

And then we all said our goodbyes until next week.

I drove home in a punch drunk stupor. I've been struggling with my running lately, but, that was such a unique experience and so out of the ordinary, it really renewed me. Renewed my love for running. Made me grateful for my house only a few miles from the lake. Made me grateful for my legs that can run. Made me grateful to stay up past my bedtime with some great friends.

And then after a quick shower, I climbed in bed with my silly Ella Mae beagle and went to sleep.

And got to sleep in not having to wake up at 5AM for my weekly long run.

I could get used to this running at night thing.

Embarrassing Fact #382

When I was little, I thought that movies were just things that people had captured on film (a la reality TV) and wasn't so sure on the concept of actors, etc (not the case for cartoons, I understood that). After all, my mom told me the Von Trapp's were a real family with a real story--why wasn't that really Maria? Who was this Julie Andrews person? (also, didn't realize Maria was also Mary Poppins....wow, why am I telling you this?)

This made musicals all the more depressing--why didn't I live in a place where people spontaneously busted out in song? And how did they all know all the words and the dance moves? Amazing!

I was not thrilled when I was informed that hey, movies? Not real.

Not surprisingly, I was an early adopter of reality TV.

Remember when it was just like The Real World and that was it? Ahh the good ol' days of MTV.

Any embarrassing childhood facts?

A week of firsts

When I started this new job, I got a lot of stuff thrown my way. A lot of big grown up things that I hadn't even thought about at my old job. It was scary, but, empowering at the same time. Because after all, I'm a grown up, I should have big scary grown up responsibilities.

And then came the biggie: the website redesign and launch. Now, I wasn't messing around with HTML or anything like that, no no, I had to gather all the content from way too many people, make it look pretty and then edit it 50,000 times. And then edit it again. Oh, and then, just to be safe, one more time. And then send it to people for their edits. And then make those. And then work all weekend because even though everything was due Thursday, it was Saturday afternoon and still getting changes.

ANYWAYS. It launched today. With only one typo found thus far. Sadly, there was no pomp and circumstance, no big email, no party, no parade, just the anticlimactic words I uttered when I turned on my computer this morning: "We're live". And no one seemed too excited. Me? I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. But, whatever.

This was something I've never done. I've never been in charge of the timeline, the content, etc of anything like this. I got to lay the hammer down, tell people 'no' and make it something we're all proud of. That's a big deal.

And I'm really tired.

Another first?

I ran a 20k on Monday. I've never run a 20k before. I always felt like it was the redheaded stepchild of the half marathon. I mean, at that point, let's just run a little longer and do the damn 13.1, k? But, I really wanted to run a Memorial Day race and since I've lost my running mojo, a 20k seemed to fit the bill. After all, if I can run 10 on Saturday, I can obviously pull through a 20k, yes? Yes.

It was hot as hell, hilly and HARD. I won't lie. I got heat exhaustion as I'm prone to do (and yet I'm so in love with Texas and the South I can't imagine moving anywhere else but it is so damn hot), I felt discouraged at times, I wanted shade like you wouldn't believe--but, I kept going.

I told myself that I would be proud of myself no matter what because hey, automatic PR, but that I wasn't going to rag on myself if I didn't do great because hey, I haven't been on my A Game lately, so, racing is something to be proud of.

And ya know what? It worked. I wasn't thrilled with my time, but, all things considered, I rocked. I finished strong, passed a few people at the end and actually got an award! Fifth in my age group (I admit part of the draw to this race was that they go 5 deep for age group awards--I had hope I could place--y'all know my love of races in which I get bling). If I'd been on my A Game, I totally could have gotten 3rd or 4th, but, I wasn't upset about it. I was thrilled.

This is a big freaking deal for me. I'm such a mature adult (apparently).

I spent the rest of the day lounging in the pool, working, BBQing and watching movies with my family.



It's been a crazy few days (who am I kidding? Weeks! Months!)

But, I couldn't be happier. I did two huge new things. And succeeded.

Now, I'm on the hunt for a "I survived our website launch and now must buy myself something pretty" present.

I told the fam last week (after getting no less than 45 emails in a 24 hour WEEKEND period) that if we launched that bad boy on time, I was buying a present. Since this website is my baby, consider a faux push present if you will (not meant to offend any mamas out there--believe me, I understand this is nothing compared to an actual baby! But for my life right now, it's a pretty big deal).

Ideas??

Also, pictures!


Me and my biggest supporter after the race. He's got on an awesome shirt, huh, Sam?

Why yes I would like to stand next to the pretty flowers and show off my bling. See the tummy and the arms?? (ick) This is why I'm spending my life savings on a personal trainer!

Happy Wednesday! (yay!) (I love 3 day weekends, we need more of them!)